[
to her assistant]
Gwen:
People have no idea what it's like being me. Did we brush my teeth?
Eddie:
She gets a cottage and I get the shitty little suite?
Lee:
She has an entourage.
Eddie:
What about me?
Lee:
You have an entourage?
Eddie:
I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I *am* my own entourage!
Eddie:
[
to Gwen] You're the devil.
Hector:
I really want to play a character like the Terminator, you know, because I think the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own, you know, that they can relate to...
Lee:
Okay, Siegfried and Roy just left the building. They're heading for the pool deck.
Danny:
Siegfried and Roy are here?
Lee:
No, not the real Siegfri... It's a code. *You* wanted to play this game, you little schmuck.
Hector:
Ooh, pussy boy gonna splat!
Eddie:
Kiki! Kiki! Hold on, hold on. I want to talk. Look...
Kiki:
Let go of me!
Eddie:
Just... I want to talk!
Kiki:
I don't want to talk to you!
Eddie:
Why not?
Kiki:
Because you're an idiot!
Eddie:
Well?
Kiki:
You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too! In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.
Eddie:
This is a very complicated situation...
Kiki:
Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.
Eddie:
What?
Kiki:
That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...
Eddie:
Yeah...
Kiki:
No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...
[
beat]
Kiki:
That was me.
Gwen:
Kiki? What was that movie called?
Kiki:
I don't give a shit!
Eddie:
No, that wasn't it.
Gwen:
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Eddie:
Actually, it's a gun.
[
shoots her multiple times]
Kiki:
[
after Eddie has said that he is not technically seeing anyone] Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm... That's... uh... that's sad, really. That's... uh... that's a shame.
[
Kiki throws the pan on the table]
Kiki:
Here are your eggs, my darling sister! I hope that's runny enough for you.
[
Kiki turns to Eddie]
Kiki:
And you, you son of a bitch!
[
Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap]
Kiki:
Here are your eggs, there you go!
Gwen:
What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?
Kiki:
A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out. And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
[
turns to Eddie]
Kiki:
And you, you moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it. I've done all I can do here, I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected. And so, once more, with feeling.
[
Kiki storms out]
Gwen:
She was so much more fun when she was fat.
Wellness Guide:
Life is a cookie.
Gwen:
Your pillow's better than mine.
Eddie:
[
at the Junket Interview] Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.
Gwen:
[
to the press] I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight, Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile.
[
Hector clears his throat]
Hector:
And?
Gwen:
Oh, and Hector is very well-endowed.
Hector:
Almost too well-endowed. I've had complaints. Literally.
Kingman:
I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me, the TITLES! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue." We HAD to make a Hal Weidmann picture!
Davis:
The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.
Kingman:
No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Seņor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years! "S'aright!".
Lee:
[
to Gwen's Dobberman] Nazi bastard!
Eddie:
You probably read in People Magazine that I'm on Zoloft.
Lee:
They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".
Gwen:
Eddie's really good... and he's my pillar of strength, you know. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah
Eddie:
I tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.
Wellness Guide:
This letter, Edward, is a very important part of the healing process. By writing to your mother, you afford yourself the opportunity to thank her, or forgive her, or to ask her why she did the things she did. Now we don't mail the letter, but the simple act of putting it on paper frees you, allows you to let go. Now... what did you say to your mother?
Eddie:
[
reading] "Dear Mom, Fuck you."
Wellness Guide:
Okay. We'll try the letter some other time.
Dave:
Remember the crazy guy in the woods?
Davis:
Ted Kaczynski.
Dave:
Who, the guy at Fox?
Lee:
The Unabomber.
Dave:
Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
Lee:
So?
Dave:
Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
Danny:
Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat, the monkey is in daycare.
Lee:
Gwen, your dog just swallowed your window washer.
Gwen:
Puppy!
Lee:
Puppy? It's a raptor.
Kiki:
Time for Prozac. Excuse me.
Lee:
She's on Prozac?
Kiki:
If only. The dog.
Hector:
I'm with Gwen now. We're a couple. So we're gonna go to the "hhhunket" together.
Gwen:
[
about Larry King] And those glasses. Who wears frames that big anymore. He looks like a bug!
Kiki:
I bet you've never read a book in your life.
Gwen:
Ha! I read *all four* of the Harry Potter books!
Hector:
Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.
Eddie:
I'm grateful for the earth... I'm grateful for the stars and the sky...
Gwen:
Everyone hates me, everyone wants a piece of me. My therapist is out of the country, I wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe this year! Leave me alone!
Gwen:
[
about Eddie] He was outside my cottage doing something... not good!
Lee:
Gwen, everybody does it.
Gwen:
I know everyone does it! That's not the point!
Lee:
Will you please go talk to your sister? You're the only one she'll pretend to listen to.
Kiki:
[
sighs] Where is she?
Lee:
Grazing.
Lee:
And if you're in love, you should just go for it... The way you went for this breakfast.
Hector:
What? I'm not invited to the "hunket?"
Lee:
I'm thorry, it wath the thudio'th dethithion.
Lee:
Survival Rule number three, kid: you're not here to love anyone, you're here to promote a movie.
Kiki:
[
imitating Gwen] Kiki? Kiki-kins? Who's smoking? I smell smoke. Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of where I'm standing! Stop them Kiki, stop them!
Gwen:
I smell smoke. Is somebody smoking?
Kiki:
I don't know.
Gwen:
It's probably Larry. How many heart attacks has he had?
Kiki:
[
imitating Gwen] "Oh, Kiki, my butter has touched another food. I need new butter." "Anything you want, honey." That's the way it goes, Lee. Right? You're a publicist, you know. Anything they want, right? She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. Brings out the circles under her eyes, she knows it, I know it. She gave it to me. It actually looks pretty nice on me. Then she said, well, maybe she wanted it back, you know? She doesn't want it, she just doesn't want me to have it. That's the truth.
Lee:
[
to Gwen's dog] Can I explain why I didn't call?
Kiki:
What are they, out of butter? How can you run out of butter.
Lee:
Well, I have one theory...
Kiki:
You know what? I need an assistant, because if I had an assistant, she would be outside right now MILKING A COW and I would never, EVER, run out of butter!
Hector:
He's gonna be a pussy pancake.
Eddie:
I can't do this Lee.
Eddie:
I am grateful for you. In all the world, thing I am most grateful for is you.
Kiki:
If that's a line from one of your movies...
Eddie:
No, that one's mine.
Kiki:
Nobody hates you.
Gwen:
Oh yes, they do. I was in a store the other day, you know that great store on Melrose? And there was a baby in a stroller and he was looking up at me and he was judging me. The whole world is judging me for what I did to Eddie.
Wellness Guide:
We have a saying, Edward: "Meck-a-leck-a-hala-vabeem-sala-beem".
Eddie:
What is that? Bean salad?
Wellness Guide:
"Meck-a-leck-a-hala-vabeem-sala-beem".
Eddie:
What does that mean?
Wellness Guide:
I don't know what it means, it's very old.
Lee:
Hi, can I get Holly Golightly's room please?
Danny:
Who's that?
Lee:
It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
Danny:
Oh, what's that?
Lee:
It's a movie, a great movie. Hepburn.
Danny:
Right. Katherine.
[
pause]
Lee:
Do me a favor. Don't tell anyone you're in the movie business.
Kiki:
[
after Hector hits Eddie in the face with a tray] Eddie, Eddie, are you okay?
Eddie:
I can feel my nose in the back of my throat, is that bad?
Lee:
Eddie, the next time you try to kill yourself, just take a hairdryer into the bathtub.
Eddie:
This is Kishtonga Root!
Hal Weidmann:
Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you are about to see is Time Over Time, or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory.
Gwen:
Just smile and shut up.
Gwen:
Is that your foot?
Kiki:
Sorry.
Gwen:
Pedicure! Hello?
Kiki:
You really need to go to this junket.
Gwen:
[
shakes her head] No.
Kiki:
Why not?
Gwen:
I'm afraid.
Kiki:
Of...?
Gwen:
That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am.
Kiki:
I know.
Gwen:
I'm always thinking about other people.
Kiki:
I know you are.
Gwen:
It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me.
Kiki:
So, what you're really worried about is you.
Gwen:
Of course.
Hector:
[
points to Hal] I will kick your ass! Okay? Understand that!
Hal Weidmann:
Who are you?
Hector:
Who am I? I am de ass kicker of you!
Dave:
[
watching Eddie and Hector fight] Ooh! This is good! Hit him! Hit him!
Lee:
Who?
Dave:
Anybody!
Leaf Weidmann:
Can I defend my father's work?
Gwen:
No, you cannot. Who's her father?
Lee:
Hal.
Gwen:
No, you cannot!
Leaf Weidmann:
Well, at least let me defend Hector. I've only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
[
crowd gasps]
Gwen:
[
to Hector] You slept with her?
Hector:
No! No, she is lying! Except for the part about my penis - that's true.
[
first lines]
Narrator:
America first fell in love with Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison in the box office smash "Autumn With Greg And Peg". They had the most celebrated marriage in Hollywood. Who could forget how they hit one out of the park in "Requiem for an Outfielder"?
Eddie:
[
as Doctor Martin] Read from the top line Sasha.
Gwen:
[
as Sasha] I-L-O-V-E-Y-O... Oh.
Eddie:
[
as Doctor Martin] You.
Gwen:
[
as Sasha] Doctor Martin.
Narrator:
Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison: America's Sweethearts.
Lee:
Did you cut this yourself?
Danny:
Well, no, Chad in Marketing...
Lee:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Always take credit. That is survival rule number one.
Danny:
Okay, yes, I did it on my Mac.
Lee:
Rule number two: Don't take credit until someone actually says they like what you did. It's not bad.
Lee:
Why am I here? I'm just confused. I mean, after all, you did fire me last week, so why am I here?
Dave:
I brought you here to see the new Hal Weidmann film.
Dave:
I need Eddy and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy!
Danny:
How will you get Eddy and Gwen there?
Lee:
Don't worry. I know somebody.
Kiki:
[
on the phone] Lee, you know, I love you. You know, I'd do anything for you. You're just asking an awful lot... Well, a press junket with Eddie isn't high on Gwen's list of priorities... Oh, no lillies. Take them out... Yes. I understand... Yes, excuse me, hold on...
[
to a man smoking]
Kiki:
Could you please put that out? Please, please, please. Could you please put that out. Please, please.
Larry King:
Okay, let's go to phone calls now on "Larry King Live". White Plains, you're on the air with Gwen Harrison.
Caller #1:
Hi, Larry.
Gwen:
Hi!
Caller #1:
Gwen, um... hi. I used to be a big fan, but... I'm sorry, I just can't get over what happened between you and Eddie. I'm so sick over it. I can't sleep at night. How can you?
Gwen:
Well, um... uh...
Larry King:
Well, you do sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, do you not?
[
pause]
Larry King:
Let's go to our next call. Rock Island, Illinois, hello.
Caller #2:
Hi, Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie.
Gwen:
Thank you!
Caller #2:
I just couldn't sit through it. I can't watch you without Eddie. It's just not the same.
Gwen:
It's just not fair. There's all this pressure on me, and none whatsoever on Eddie, is there? He's probably all Summer having the time of his life.
Lee:
[
to Eddie] Come on, you've gotta confront her. Get it over with. She fell in love with another guy, alright? It happens.
Lee:
You look fabulous.
Kiki:
Thank you.
Lee:
Look at you. What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?
Kiki:
It's my hair, and, err... I had a little sun.
Gwen:
[
bored] She lost sixty pounds.
[
pause]
Kiki:
And... And... And I lost a little weight.
Lee:
I see that. Yeah. You look terrific.
Kiki:
Thank you.
Lee:
Sixty pounds?
Kiki:
Yeah.
Lee:
That's a Backstreet Boy!
Lee:
Eddie is not demented. It was a one-time incident. This is a forgive-and-forget kind of thing.
Gwen:
He tried to kill me, Lee. Am I the only person who remembers that? Attempted murder doesn't get people's attention anymore?
Lee:
[
Gwen's dog licks his crotch] Hey! Come on, these are new pants. Good dog. Hey, get the paper? Come on. Come on. Please. Come on.
[
sees Kiki]
Lee:
Help.
Kiki:
Don't let me interrupt.
Kiki:
Are you okay now?
Eddie:
If you would have asked me a couple of hours ago, I would have said no. But something happened tonight that was really incredible. I was out walking by the cottages, and it was like Gwen was drawing me to her. And I just look over this wall, and there she was. She was standing by the pool, all dressed in white, like an angel in the desert. I thought to myself: "That's why you're here. You're supposed to win her back." No way she's gonna stay with Hector. I mean, there's no way. That's the woman I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
Kiki:
[
slowly] Really? The... The... The woman by the pool?
Eddie:
Gwen.
Nevada Anchorman:
[
on the TV] Is this a scene from their new movie, "Time Over Time"? No. That's Gwen Harrison and Eddie Thomas dancing in the moonlight for real. Hard to believe that America's Sweethearts are like we never thought we'd see them again...
Hector:
What the hell is going on?
Nevada Anchorman:
[
on the TV] ... in a passionate embrace.
Hector:
Goddamn it!
Lee:
Ladies and gentlemen, here they are... Eddie and Gwen, together again! America's Sweethearts.
Eddie:
[
at dinner] What are you thinking right now?
Kiki:
I am thinking about something that I shouldn't be thinking about.
Eddie:
Me too. What were you thinking about?
Kiki:
I was thinking about eating that breadstick.
Hector:
Maybe you want to take a swing at me? Huh? Tall boy. Come on. Please, come on.
Eddie:
What are you...? What is that?
Hector:
Let's go. Please. Please, make my day.
Kiki:
[
after Eddie kisses her] What was that?
Eddie:
Another stupid thing.
Kiki:
Good morning. How do you feel?
Eddie:
I feel good. I mean... I feel weird, but I feel good. You?
Kiki:
Yeah, I feel something along those lines. Good, weird. Weird, good.
Eddie:
Is Kiki here?
Gwen:
I doubt it.
[
calls]
Gwen:
Kiki! Kiki! I don't know where that girl is.
Gwen:
Are you seeing anybody?
[
pause]
Gwen:
Are you seeing anybody?
Eddie:
Let me think about how I answer that? Um, not... you know...
[
whispers]
Eddie:
... Not technically, no.
Kiki:
[
eavesdropping] What?
Gwen:
He said "not technically".
Kiki:
You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.
Lee:
Yeah, but you got twenty or thirty pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?
Kiki:
Bad morning. Preceded by thirty three bad years.
Lee:
Does this have something to do with Gwen?
[
Eddie is standing on the roof]
Hector:
Is that Pussy Boy?
Gwen:
Oh, my God! He's gonna jump!
Lee:
He's not gonna jump.
Gwen:
I said I was going to give him the divorce papers.
Lee:
Shit, he's gonna jump!
Kiki:
You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends, did you do it? No! You made me do it.
Gwen:
I did not!
Kiki:
Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta? Kyle Hassler? Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring any bells? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.
Gwen:
That's not true.
Kiki:
My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
Eddie:
That's a nice necklace.
Kiki:
It's not really mine.
Eddie:
I know.
Kiki:
It's Gwen's.
Eddie:
I know.
Kiki:
She gave it to me.
Eddie:
And I gave it to her.
Kiki:
I know.
Eddie:
I blew it. I lost her.
Lee:
Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.
Eddie:
I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.
Eddie:
How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?
Lee:
It's him. On the phone.
Kingman:
Who?
Lee:
Hal.
Kingman:
I'll kill him! That sick son-of-a-bitch bastard! Put him on the speaker!
[
Lee turns on the speaker]
Kingman:
[
sweetly] Hi, Hal! How are you, darling? You're in my thoughts. I want to send you a basket.
Gwen:
I hate Larry King! Why did I do his stupid show?
Kiki:
Just breathe.
Gwen:
I don't want to breathe! "Your last two movies crashed and burned"... I wanted to choke him to death with those stupid suspenders. Everyone hates me.
Kiki:
That's not true. The lighting was great. Everyone said you looked great.
Gwen:
Who?
Larry King Producer:
[
passes by] You looked great.
Kiki:
See?
Gwen:
[
to the producer] Thanks!
[
to Kiki]
Gwen:
As if she really knows.
Wellness Guide:
Are you comfortable speaking about Gwen?
Eddie:
Think I should?
Wellness Guide:
There's no "should".
Eddie:
Think I can?
Wellness Guide:
What is "can"?
[
caught on Hal's hidden camera]
Gwen:
I slept with him.
Kiki:
[
gasps] Hector? Are you in love with him?
Gwen:
Come on! It's not always about love. Sometimes you just need to get laid.
[
caught on Hal's hidden camera]
Gwen:
[
about Hector] I tell you, he's hot. Handsome. He can go for hours. I just wish he had a bigger, you know... thingy. It's like a roll of quarters.
[
holds out her lipstick]
Gwen:
It's like this.
[
twists lipstick down]
Gwen:
Well... maybe like this.
Lee:
[
to his assistant] Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anyone. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie."
Lee:
So, do you want to arrive first or second?
Eddie:
Second.
Lee:
Be right back.
[
goes to Gwen's limo]
Lee:
He wants to go second.
Kiki:
Let him go second.
Gwen:
He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.
Kiki:
She wants to go second.
Lee:
Second it is.
[
goes back to Eddie's limo]
Lee:
She wants to go second.
Eddie:
Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.
Lee:
Thank you.
Kiki:
[
back at Gwen's limo] Second? We're all set.
Gwen:
Who cares?
Kiki:
She doesn't care.
Gwen:
Yes, I do! I'm going first!
Eddie:
[
back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?
Lee:
I'm just trying to facilitate the...
Eddie:
I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?
Lee:
You're going second.
Eddie:
[
rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
Lee:
You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.
Eddie:
[
rolls down the window] I don't care.
Lee:
Okay. Thank you.
Dave:
Hal here yet?
Lee:
No.
Dave:
[
beat] He's a dead man. No, I'm serious. I know a guy, I'll make a call, and... he's dead.
Dave:
Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Lee:
[
pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?
Dave:
I don't know. Let me think about it.
Lee:
Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.
Dave:
Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.
[
pause]
Dave:
I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.
Maura Klein:
[
laughing] Oh, you are funny! How do you live with him, Gwen?
Eddie:
[
laughing] She doesn't! She lives with someone else!
Gwen:
You love me.
Eddie:
Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen...
Gwen:
[
to the crowd] See? He loves me.
Eddie:
Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
Related Links
*
