Miss Congeniality (2000)
Sandra Bullock: Gracie Hart
Photos
Quotes
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Kathy Morningside : New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?
Gracie Hart : Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
[audience applauds]
Victor Melling : My God, I did it!
Gracie Hart : And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.
Victor Melling : A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!
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Gracie Hart : You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...
[singsonging]
Gracie Hart : You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...
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Gracie Hart : I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!
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Gracie Hart : [a taxi nearly runs Gracie over] Hey! I'm gliding here!
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Victor Melling : What, no armored car?
Gracie Hart : That would be in my other dress.
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[Explaining why she was with a guy the night before]
Gracie Hart : I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...
All Girls : Ooh.
Gracie Hart : Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.
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Victor Melling : The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.
Gracie Hart : What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?
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Victor Melling : [teaching Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
Gracie Hart : It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
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Eric Matthews : Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?
Gracie Hart : No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.
Eric Matthews : No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why I picked you?
Gracie Hart : Lost a bet?
Eric Matthews : Because you're smart. Because you don't take any crap from people. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.
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Gracie Hart : Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.
Victor Melling : You are not having sex on this stage.
Gracie Hart : I didn't know that was an option.
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Gracie Hart : The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!
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Eric Matthews : This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.
Gracie Hart : Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.
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Victor Melling : By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?
Gracie Hart : I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.
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Eric Matthews : Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?
Gracie Hart : You want me to beat it out of her?
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Eric Matthews : You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.
Gracie Hart : I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
Eric Matthews : Funny, me too.
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Kathy Morningside : Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant...
Gracie Hart : Hey, hey! It is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program.
Kathy Morningside : Yeah, yeah.
Gracie Hart : *Yes*!
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Stan Fields : What is the one most important thing our society needs?
Gracie Hart : That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
[crowd is silent]
Gracie Hart : And world peace!
[crowd cheers ecstatically]
Stan Fields : Thank you, Gracie Lou.
Gracie Hart : And thank *you*, Stan.
[Gracie walks offstage]
Victor Melling : That was charming. Are you drunk?
Gracie Hart : I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!
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Gracie Hart : I would so love to hurt you right now.
Victor Melling : As long as you smile.
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Eric Matthews : Operation "Thong" has commenced.
Gracie Hart : Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
Eric Matthews : I knew she'd like that one.
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Gracie Hart : Oh my gosh, it's the crown!
Victor Melling : Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?
[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]
Victor Melling : Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!
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Victor Melling : Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?
Gracie Hart : Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?
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Eric Matthews : Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
Gracie Hart : No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!
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Gracie Hart : Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but, uh, some of the girls got dehydrated.
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[Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear]
Eric Matthews : Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.
Gracie Hart : I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!
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[to models refusing pizza and beer]
Gracie Hart : It's lite beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway.
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Eric Matthews : All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.
Gracie Hart : [looking at hers] Gracie Lou Freebush?
Eric Matthews : Yeah, remember, you like that name.
Gracie Hart : Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.
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Victor Melling : Your hair should make a statement.
Gracie Hart : As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!
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Gracie Hart : My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?
Victor Melling : Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.
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Eric Matthews : Maybe we could have dinner, you know?
Gracie Hart : What? You, like, asking me on a date?
Eric Matthews : No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!
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Gracie Hart : Where am I gonna keep my gun?
Eric Matthews : Nowhere I wanna know about!
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Victor Melling : In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!
Gracie Hart : Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
Victor Melling : Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!
Gracie Hart : You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
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[after Eric pulls Gracie into the pool]
Gracie Hart : Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.
Eric Matthews : You look good wet.
Gracie Hart : Shut up!
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Eric Matthews : You took your earpiece out! Vic needs you, now!
Gracie Hart : Eric, I haven't slept in two days!
Eric Matthews : I'll give you a cookie.
Gracie Hart : [mumbling to herself] It better be a big one.
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[Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]
Gracie Hart : Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.
[Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]
Gracie Hart : What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?
Victor Melling : It's for the little baggies under your eyes.
Gracie Hart : Really.
[Vic shakes a can of hairspray]
Gracie Hart : Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.
[Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]
Gracie Hart : What are you doing?
Victor Melling : It stops the suit from riding up.
Gracie Hart : Riding up where?
Victor Melling : Just... up!
Gracie Hart : That is enough!
Victor Melling : Why do you make things difficult for me?
Gracie Hart : Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!
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Gracie Hart : You know what...
[grabs Eric in a headlock]
Gracie Hart : Pull this off! What, is it because Macdonald hates me?
Eric Matthews : He doesn't hate you!
Gracie Hart : Is it some woman thing?
[Eric knocks her to the floor]
Eric Matthews : Don't kid yourself! Nobody thinks of you that way!
[Gracie trips him and sits on his back, holding him down]
Gracie Hart : He's punishing me, isn't he?
Eric Matthews : [under Gracie] Look, I had to beg him to let you do this!
Gracie Hart : What?
Eric Matthews : Yeah, like it or not you screwed up, pal!
[they roll over attacking each other]
Gracie Hart : [Sitting on Eric again] This may come as a shock to you but I've never been in a beauty pageant before! I don't even own a dress! I don't even own a brush!
[They roll around again]
Eric Matthews : [with Gracie's thighs squeezing his head] Which part o' that is supposed to shock me?
[Gracie slams her thighs against his head and they roll over on the floor again]
Gracie Hart : [Eric's feet squeezing her face] Jesus! Let's just swing reality for like a second! I have to do everything like the big hair, and the makeup...
Eric Matthews : Damn right! The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...
Gracie Hart : [out of breath] So you're saying... I have to wear... the bathing suit?
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Gracie Hart : His ego is like this big and his equpment is like this big!
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[a dentist is cleaning Grace's teeth, and a barber is untangling her hair]
Gracie Hart : Can't I get some Novocain?
Dentist : It's only a cleaning.
Gracie Hart : No, I'm talking about Sweeney Todd back here.
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Eric Matthews : What do you say, Hart?
Gracie Hart : No freakin' way.
Eric Matthews : Sparky, why not?
Gracie Hart : Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace?
Eric Matthews : It won't be like that. Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.
Gracie Hart : Yeah, right, in a thong.
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Gracie Hart : Look, she's gonna cry again.
[imitating winner]
Gracie Hart : "Oh, if I only had a brain."
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Grace's father : [from trailer] Honey, are you a lesbian?
Gracie Hart : [snorts] I wish!
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Kathy Morningside : You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.
Gracie Hart : What? You think that their dream is to get blown up?
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Gracie Hart : In Hawaii, don't they use aloha for, like, hello and goodbye?
Miss Hawaii : So?
Gracie Hart : So if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking, how do you get them? You say, 'Okay take care, aloha' don't they just start over again?
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Gracie Hart : Donut Nazi.
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Victor Melling : Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?
Gracie Hart : Because I'm preparing to run away!
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Gracie Hart : [to Victor] You know, you're gonna get yours, Henry Higgins.
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Gracie Hart : Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh, huh?
[chuckles to herself, then turns to Matthews]
Gracie Hart : Get it, the Women's Correctional Facility Pageant...?
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Eric Matthews : We recently discovered some information about the winner from New Jersey.
Gracie Hart : And her performance in a little film called "Arma-get-it-on."
Stan Fields : Was that her?
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Gracie Hart : Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?
Victor Melling : Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!
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Eric Matthews : Why don't just you shut up?
Gracie Hart : Why? You're shutting up enough for both of us.
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Gracie Hart : You ate pizza, you stole panties! You're a wild woman!
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Gracie Hart : Sir, that is one really really purple Russian, sir!
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[after getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream]
Gracie Hart : I'm going to get chip-faced.
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[last lines]
Gracie Hart : I really do want world peace.