- [after confronting, subduing, and pummeling the mad scientist]
- Max: He's not a real guy, Sam! Can I keep his head for a souvenir? Why do you suppose its ticking?
- Sam: That's no head, Max! It's one damned ugly timebomb! Let's leave this criminal cesspool pronto!
- Max: Good idea, Sam. Maybe we can ditch the head somewhere while the credits are running. Mind if I drive?
- Sam: Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader.
- Max: Sam, is "pronto" a real word?
- [Reading Fun Facts about the Ball of Twine]
- Sam: "If laid out from end to end, the twine would stretch from here to the far side of Jupiter. Also, scientists predict that by 2053 the sheer weight of the ball will push Earth out of its orbit, on a collision course with the sun."
- Max: Good thing my life expectancy's only six years.
- Sam: Way to take the short view, little buddy.
- [Sam's DeSoto crashes through the wall of the scientist laboratory, Sam and Max step out]
- Sam: Hello.
- Max: This don't look like the Lincoln Tunnel, Sam.
- Sam: Looks to me like we've got a marginally volatile hostage situation here, Max.
- Max: Oohh! Does this mean we get to kick some puffy, white mad scientist butt?
- Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
- Bigfoot Chief: You boys should be proud of what you've accomplished here today.
- Sam: You mean the wholesale destruction of 100 years of civilization in the western United States? You bet we are!
- Sam: You know, Max, I can't help but think that we have may have tampered with the fragile inner workings of this little spaceship we call Earth.
- Max: Gosh, Sam, if 100 years of western civilization have to be destroyed just to provide a bunch of smelly quasi-human creatures with a safe haven for their disgusting lifestyles, then so be it!
- Sam: Excuse me. We need some help, and although you seem dangerously unequipped brain-wise, we've come to you for advice.
- Carnie: Huh?
- Max: In fact, if I didn't find his pitiful sobbing so amusing, I'd come out there and rip your limbs off
- Sam: [Speaking to a hotel concierge] You know, you look just like Evelyn Morrison; famed B-movie star
- Evelyn Morrison: I AM Evelyn Morrison, you cur!
- Sam: Actually I'm more of an Irish Wolfhound than a cur... I've seen all your movies!
- Max: My favorite was "Robot Terror From Beyond the Galaxy"
- Sam: Is that the one where the alien says "Klaatu barada nikto"?
- Max: No, that's "Vampires In Prison"
- [after looking through the mounted binoculars at the top of the World's Largest Ball of Twine]
- Sam: I'm sure this thing is somehow useful, but I'll be damned if I know how.
- Sam: I hope you know that watching too much TV is super bad for the eyes.
- Dug, the Moleman: Why do all you poorly-focused, squishy blobs say that?
- Sam: [at the World's Biggest Ball of Twine] It's things like this that make me wish I were Canadian.
- Curator: They've got one of these too, but half of it's French.