Memorable quotes for
"Farscape" (1999) More at IMDbPro »

Aeryn Sun: She gives me a woody.
[no one says anything]
Aeryn Sun: Woody. It's a human saying. I've heard you say it often. When you don't trust someone or they make you nervous, they give you...
John Crichton: Willies. She gives you the willies.

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[said to a complaining newcomer]
John Crichton: Welcome to the Federation Starship SS Buttcrack.
[slaps his own rear end]

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Aeryn Sun: This is a bad combination: Zhaan distracted, Crichton confused.
General Ka D'Argo: Crichton is always confused.

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Captain Biallar Crais: You have no idea where we're going. We could be going around in circles.
John Crichton: We're not going in circles, nimrod, 'cause we've never been here before. We're completely lost.

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Aeryn Sun: No offense, human, but what can I possibly need from you?
John Crichton: I dunno... manners, personality... Stock tips.

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Stark: You want revenge.
John Crichton: No, I don't. I want to kill him. That's justice.

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Jool: [to Chiana] You monochromatic little bitch.

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Stark: I suggest you prepare yourselves for peace. I have failed you and we're all going to die.

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John Crichton: Obfuscation. How the hell does that translate?

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John Crichton: They say it's a lucky or an unambitious man who goes when he's ready. That said, Scorpius is gone. I'm at peace.

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John Crichton: I try to save a life a day... usually it's mine.

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John Crichton: I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

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John Crichton: How do you say 'we're screwed' in your native tongue?

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John Crichton: Lately, do I seem a little crazy to you?
Aeryn Sun: What do you mean, 'lately'?

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[Aeryn is upset with John and walks off annoyed]
Neeyala: She doesn't like you.
John Crichton: Nah, it's a phase. It's part of her charm.
Neeyala: I admit to some skepticism myself.

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John Crichton: Well, you gotta know how deep the doo-doo is Ryg, if you're gonna dig your way out.

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John Crichton: If he masters wormhole technology, what will he use it for?
Scorpius: Faster delivery of pizzas.

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General Ka D'Argo: Something Crichton said is disturbing me.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Finally. I've been saying that since he arrived.

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John Crichton: I'm sick of this whole turd-burp end of the universe.

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General Ka D'Argo: Zhaan, let me explain to you what's going on inside my nose right now. There's large pieces of green mucus gunk...
John Crichton: D'Argo. D'Argo. D'Argo. No, no, no, no. Stop it with the Luxan poetry.

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John Crichton: Haven't you read the Super Villain's Handbook? This is where you're supposed to twirl your mustache and gloat.

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John Crichton: Oh, yeah. I think I've seen this one before. Mel Gibson, Tina Turner... Cage match.

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[about Rygel]
John Crichton: It's not Kansas, and you're way too homely to be Auntie Em. Come here, Toto.

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[John and D'Argo are playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors']
John Crichton: Again?
General Ka D'Argo: Yeah.
John Crichton: One, two, three.
[John throws paper. D'Argo throws rock]
General Ka D'Argo: [Laughs] Again, I win.
John Crichton: No, I win. Paper wraps rocks.
General Ka D'Argo: No, paper cannot possibly beat rock.
John Crichton: It does. Paper beats rock.
General Ka D'Argo: Rock rips through paper.
John Crichton: D'Argo, that's not how it works. Paper beats rocks.
General Ka D'Argo: That's unrealistic.
John Crichton: Well, it's the rules. And it's not supposed to be realistic, it's supposed to be entertaining.
General Ka D'Argo: My coma was more entertaining.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: May your afterlife be almost as pleasant as mine.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: Double the Crichton, and you double the waste of time.

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John Crichton: Shyeah. It'd totally screw the pooch, babe.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: Bitchin'.

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John Crichton: I don't know what you've been smoking, Buckwheat, but we've got a serious problem here.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Nothing a good meal won't solve, I'm sure.

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General Ka D'Argo: Have you ever heard of anything like this happening before?
John Crichton: D'Argo, I haven't heard of anything like anything before. My planet doesn't even go to the moon anymore.

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General Ka D'Argo: One... two... fire.
John Crichton: Hey, what happened to three?

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Aeryn Sun: I apologize for my strengths.

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Zhaan: My dear, I've kicked more ass than you've sat on.

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Chiana: Distress call. Directed at us?
John Crichton: [laughing] How stupid is that?

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Zhaan: There is much cruelty in the universe.
John Crichton: Yeah, we seem to have a treasure map to it.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: I never run away. I... strategically maneuver.

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John Crichton: It's Scooby Doo time.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: I'm gonna kill the bitch. Now.

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John Crichton: I must be smarter than I look.
Aeryn Sun: That would be easy.

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John Crichton: Stop acting like Yosemite Sam.

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John Crichton: Okay, welcome to the butt-hole of the universe.

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[Crichton has ordered an alien out of the room at gunpoint]
Alien: You fear me.
John Crichton: No, you just smell.

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[season one and two introduction]
John Crichton: My name is John Crichton, an astronaut. A radiation wave hit and I got shot through a wormhole. Lost in some distant part of the universe on a ship, a living ship, full of strange alien life forms. Help me. Listen, please. Is there anybody out there who can hear me? Being hunted... by an insane military commander. Doing everything I can. I'm just looking for a way home.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: I'm nobody's puppet.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: You certainly look dead to me. I don't know your customs for these situations, but I'll give it a shot. Ahem. John Crichton, valued friend - no, wait a minute. That's a bit of a stretch. John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate, may you have safe journey to our hallowed realm... Actually, not our hallowed realm, that's for Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm. With the ceremony of passage complete, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions for myself.

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John Crichton: Screw 'em, Zhaany. You're a tenth level Pa'u. You get to eleven, we get a TV ministry.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: By the yotz, run, fight, surrender, pick one.

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Aeryn Sun: Can you pass me that ax?
John Crichton: Yeah. What are you going to do with it?
Aeryn Sun: I'm going to hack my foot off.

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John Crichton: Whoa... hell, we're screwed.
Dominar Rygel XVI: Should I disrobe so it's memorable?

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General Ka D'Argo: You look after her while I go break Crais's neck.
John Crichton: D'Argo, you couldn't break wind right now, I'm going.

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John Crichton: You want to have a mid-life crisis? Fine, ditch the firm, head off to Maui, shack up with a supermodel, but you don't get the keep the Porsche.

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John Crichton: Sparky. How's my favorite Hynerian?
[Rygel can't speak]
General Ka D'Argo: Even I am pleased to see you.
[Rygel continues choking]
General Ka D'Argo: Are you, are you not well?
John Crichton: Frog in your throat? Need a Hynerian Hymlich?
[John does Hymlich on Rygel]
Dominar Rygel XVI: I'll be fine.
[Sees Aeryn and starts again]
Dominar Rygel XVI: Slight case of the intons.
John Crichton: What?
Aeryn Sun: It's a Hynerian airway seizure caused by very strong emotions.
John Crichton: [laughing] I didn't know you had strong emotions in you, Sparky.
General Ka D'Argo: Other than greed of course.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: If you insist, but you're worried over nothing... hull breaches are nearly unheard of on Leviathans...
[Moya shakes and a sound of wisping wind is heard]
John Crichton: Pilot, what the hell's going on?

---

John Crichton: What are you doing?
Chiana: I'm having sex with three Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like?

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John Crichton: Nothing strange happened to you guys?
General Ka D'Argo: I live on this ship. Something strange always happens.

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Scorpius: Why is it always the gentle ones who pay for everybody else's ambitions?

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Dominar Rygel XVI: Look, I... I know I can be selfish, but given a chance I can usually...
John Crichton: Do what? Do the right thing?
Dominar Rygel XVI: Yes.
John Crichton: Rygel, I figure the right thing starts at the beginning of the day, not after you've been caught.

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John Crichton: Damn, Smokey. You can't argue with a woman.

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Scorpius: There are vast areas of your brain that are filled with nothing but... gibberish.
John Crichton: That would be high school.

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John Crichton: Oh please, let it all be a dream. A very bad, very twisted dream.

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General Ka D'Argo: [Regarding Aeryn] She is infantry. Peacekeeper Command tells her where to fight and die.

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John Crichton: Well how do I know that I can trust you?
Aeryn Sun: You don't. That's just another thing you don't know.

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Aeryn Sun: Who are you to order me around?
John Crichton: Order? I was offering a suggestion.
Aeryn Sun: Well, who are you to offer suggestions?

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Zhaan: Am I the only species in creation that doesn't thrive on conflict?

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[season four opening monologue]
John Crichton: My name is John Crichton... an astronaut. Three years ago I got shot through a wormhole. I'm in a distant part of the universe aboard this living ship of escaped prisoners, my friends. I've made enemies. Powerful. Dangerous. Now all I want is to find a way home, to warn Earth. Look upward, and share... the wonders I have seen.

---

John Crichton: My name is John Crichton. An astronaut. Four years ago, I got shot through a wormhole to a distant part of the galaxy. I ended up on a ship... this living ship, populated by escapee prisoners who became my friends.

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[Season three opening monologue; first John Crichton speaks in a regular voice; second John Crichton speaks in a distorted whisper]
John Crichton One: My name is John Crichton
John Crichton Two: I'm lost
John Crichton One: An astronaut
John Crichton Two: Shot through a wormhole
John Crichton One: In some distant part of the universe
John Crichton Two: Trying to stay alive
John Crichton One: Aboard this ship
John Crichton Two: This living ship
John Crichton One: Of escaped prisoners
John Crichton Two: My friends
John Crichton One: If you can hear me
John Crichton Two: Beware
John Crichton One: If I make it back
John Crichton Two: Will they follow?
John Crichton One: If I open... the door
John Crichton Two: Are you ready?
John Crichton One: Earth is unprepared
John Crichton Two: Helpless
John Crichton One: For the nightmares
John Crichton Two: I have seen
John Crichton One: Or should I stay?
John Crichton Two: Protect my home
John Crichton One: Not show them
John Crichton Two: You exist
John Crichton One: But then you'll never know
Both John Crichtons: The wonders I have seen

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John Crichton: My name is John Crichton... I'm not your pawn.

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John Crichton: I hope I'm not gettin' a cold out here 'cuz I'm not finding any chicken soup.
Chiana: Cheekan zoop?

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[John Crichton inside his own mind]
John Crichton: Can I get a, "Hell, yeah."?
Imaginary crowd: Hell, yeah.

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Pilot: I don't get out much, so I read.

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General Ka D'Argo: Face the wall and spread your feathers, big guy.

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[about using wormholes to travel through time and space and to alter history]
John Crichton: Ah, screw it. But I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash or Arthur frelling Dent. I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas.

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Scorpius: Braca?
John Crichton: Yeah. Feel the love, Mr. Burns.

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[repeated line, talking about Sebaceans and humans]
Sikozu: Weak species.

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General Ka D'Argo: I am a full-blooded Luxan, and ladies, I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the three of us will crawl out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning...
[laughs]
General Ka D'Argo: I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on four different planets.

---

Aeryn Sun: What happened?
John Crichton: [a little stoned] : Molnon and I were having a pissing contest... I won.

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Sikozu: Sarcasm, the hallmark of the subeducated.

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Aeryn Sun: What is wrong with him?
Zhaan: He is Crichton.

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John Crichton: I love waiting to see how things go South.

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General Ka D'Argo: Why do our plans never work?
John Crichton: Murphy's Law.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: I am Rygel XVI, Dominar to over 600 billion people. I don't need to talk to you.

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General Ka D'Argo: 'Shut up' includes you.

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Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan: Pilot, does Moya know where we are?
Pilot: Yes, of course. We're someplace else. I'll get back to you on the specifics.

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John Crichton: We don't have a lot of time; in fact, we have no time. We need your assistance.
Pilot: Without hesitation.

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[to a sleeping Jool]
John Crichton: Hey, Sleeping Beauty... wake up and die...

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Scorpius Neuro Clone: Did you call me here... to talk you out of your guilt?
John Crichton: No. It's just... the information amassed inside their ship...
Scorpius Neuro Clone: No contest! How could you not choose science over a beast of burden? You disgust me, John!
[crosses arms and sits on the hood of a car]
Scorpius Neuro Clone: I long for the Dumpster.
[Scene resumes on a torn Crichton in Pilot's den]
Scorpius Neuro Clone: Pilot and Moya are to die, John. Take the wormhole knowledge that's fallen in your lap and call it day!

---

[Chiana hits Jool, who hits her back]
Chiana: See? Violence. You'll get the hang of it.

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Dominar Rygel XVI: Oh good, they're alive. Now you can torture them with your insane dribblings.

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[John and is talking about Earth to his sister]
John Crichton: Coming here was a mistake... it was an accident... and it shouldn't have happened. I know things that the government cannot hear.
Olivia Crichton: What? Is it bad?
John Crichton: No, its not bad.
[imitates E.T.'s voice]
John Crichton: Don't worry. It'll be okay. Trust me.
[laughs]

---

John Crichton: Bill Gates can't guarantee Windows. How can you guarantee my safety?

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[Rygel is advising Crichton to forget about Aeryn]
Dominar Rygel XVI: When a woman, whether she's a wife, a lover, or a slave you've purchased to be a wife or lover, leaves you repeatedly... take the hint.

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[feeling an injured Moya's agony, Pilot has just vomited all over Stark]
General Ka D'Argo: Sorry, I didn't know he could do that!
Stark: I didn't know *anyone* could do that!

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John Crichton: My grandmother used to say life is a great wheel. Sometimes it grinds you down into the mud, other times it lifts you up into the light.
General Ka D'Argo: Are we strapped to this wheel?
John Crichton: That's a given. The point is, is that most times you get a second chance. You just gotta wait for the wheel.

---

Jool: Great. Just great. I take a multi-civilization tour for my birthday and barely make it through the first stop. I lose my deposit, my cousins get murdered, I've been frozen for 22 cycles, I've been captured by degenerate aliens, attacked by a huge serpent...
Stark: Dead! All of us dead! My love dead. My dreams dead. You dead. Me dead. You dead. Me dead. You dead. Me dead. You dead. Me dead. Your list is short and unworthy of entree to this ship of horror. Tortured by demons you could never know, mocked by a love that will never be. Oh, you want to cry young creature? I will show you something that will make you cry forever.
[removes mask]

---

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