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"That '70s Show" (1998)
Kitty Forman:
Have you ever baked a pie before?
Jackie Burkhardt: No, I don't really cook much. I kinda was just hoping to get by on my looks.
Michael Kelso: The truth is out there, man, it's out there.
Fez: No more for you.
[on Kitty's mother-in-law]
Kitty Forman: Red's mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.
Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Eric: You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Red Forman: What are you going to put put on your resume - dumbass?
Fez: You don't like me because I'm not from here.
Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!
[Red, Bob, Kitty and Midge got high by accident]
Kitty Forman: You know what I love? Fruit cake. All those fruit just stuffed into one cake...
Midge Pinciotti: I jumped out of a cake once.
Fez: Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.
Steven Hyde: So what?
Fez: So it's the saddest story in the world.
Steven Hyde: You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.
[Eric puts boxes on a dolly. He whistles. Red works at his desk]
Red: You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling!
Eric: Oh. Sorry.
[not whistling, he puts another box on the dolly]
Red: Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll...
Eric: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Red: Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale.
Eric: Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.
Red: Really? Well, way to take initiative.
Eric: "Way to take initiative...”? What are you up to?
Red: Nothing. I just think you did a god job.
Eric: Okay. But I'm watching you.
Red: Stop being weird.
Laurie Forman: Hey, Hyde. Going home, so you could ask another guy "Are you my daddy"?
Steven Hyde: Hey, Laurie. The surgeon general called, he told you to stop taking all the penicillin.
Laurie Forman: You know, you should watch your table manners. Because, when you're in prison, that would just really turn on some guy named "Tank".
Steven Hyde: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you could ask him to take it easy on me.
Laurie Forman: Oh, yeah? Well... Nice hair.
Steven Hyde: Awww, Laurie... Are you out of put downs?
Laurie Forman: Yeah...
Steven Hyde: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried.
Steven Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point?
Michael Kelso: Yeah: it's funny when friends get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Close enough.
Michael Kelso: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I'm talking about right?
Steven Hyde: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.
Michael Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric: You guys ask me for everything.
Michael Kelso: So, what's one more thing?
Kitty Forman: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red Forman: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8 track. NOT an 8 track. Okay?
Kitty Forman: Why don't they put record players in cars?
Red Forman: OK, Eric, if you don't want an 8 track, you won't get one.
Kitty Forman: Oh, but Red, he wants one.
Eric: No, I don't. I don't want an 8 track.
Red Forman: We'll get you a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.
[repeated line]
Kitty Forman: Oh, Red you do care.
Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez: Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god, I told her that, it was me! I saved the day!
Jackie Burkhardt: So, Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him! There is a God, and he's on MY SIDE!
Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
Steven Hyde: At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach.
Donna Pinciotti: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie Burkhardt: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]
Jackie Burkhardt: I think he knows.
Eric: [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face] Donna, it's just a movie.
[Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out]
Eric: Do you want to sit somewhere else?
Donna Pinciotti: So bad.
[they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them]
Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie Burkhardt: I'm pregnant.
[Eric gasps]
Donna Pinciotti: [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric: Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna Pinciotti: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric: Not here.
[they run in the car]
Eric: [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocking face]
Jackie Burkhardt: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez: [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Michael Kelso: [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez: [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Michael Kelso: [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez: [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Michael Kelso: [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez: No, I don't know.
Jackie Burkhardt: MICHAEL!
Donna Pinciotti: [when Eric wears a Chicago Bears jersey at a Green Bay Packer game] The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' jersey.
[repeated line]
Red Forman: That kid's on dope!
Fez: What's disco?
Steven Hyde: It's from Hell. And, not the cool part of hell where all the murderers are either, but the lame-ass part where accountants are from.
[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
Fez: Don't resist me, Mama. It's boogie time.
Eric: [imitating Red] I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.
Fez: This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business.
Eric: It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person.
Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
Michael Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.
Red Forman: Here's twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red Forman: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.
[Repeated Line]
Michael Kelso: BURN!
[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
[Jackie gives him a cold stare]
Michael Kelso: Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!
Jackie Burkhardt: So were you.
Michael Kelso: [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."
Jackie Burkhardt: But the way I said it was
[blandly]
Jackie Burkhardt: "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."
Michael Kelso: OK, I'm not hearing a difference.
Michael Kelso: Look, Jackie, I don't really know how to say this but... I don't want your stupid stuffed animals in my van.
[Jackie gasps and exits]
Michael Kelso: No, wait, Jackie! I didn't say *you're* stupid. Just all the stuff you like!
Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...
Jackie Burkhardt: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!
Donna: Fat!
Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
Laurie Forman: [Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!
Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.
Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."
Eric: [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso: Maybe he's, like, religious.
Steven Hyde: Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?
Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric: All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso: Then who's car is it?
[police siren wails]
[referring to that Thanksgiving's events]
Red Forman: You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid
[pause]
Red Forman: it was better than last year.
[referring to Eric's failing grades]
Fez: Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.
Eric: What happened between you two?
Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.
Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.
Fez: I'll see you in hell!
Fenton: I'll be wearing your pants!
Red Forman: [to Eric] So, this is how an engaged high school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn.
[applause]
Donna Pinciotti: Let's get outta here!
Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
Eric: You don't look like an angel.
The Angel: Well I suppose I could have gone with something like this.
[starts floating above the floor and glowing brightly]
The Angel: Eric Forman, God's favorite little cherub. Come with me, and thy pain shall be healed.
Eric: Are you coming on to me?
Suzy Simpson: [on Fez coming on a "date" between her and Kelso] Michael, I thought it was going to be you, me, and a box of hot lead.
Michael Kelso: Well, now it's even better because it's you, me, and a box of hot Fez.
Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Good one.
Eric: [on the new water heater] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red Forman: That's right.
Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!
[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Kelso, we have to talk about doing it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Michael Kelso: Just a second, Brooke.
[to Fez]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric and Donna]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Michael Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Michael Kelso: So, Brooke. What did want to talk about?
Brooke: I just found out I'm pregnant.
Michael Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his prom would have been had he not kissed Donna]
Eric: I went to the prom with *Big Rhonda*?
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his life would be had he not kissed Donna]
The Angel: Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop - the '80s!
["The Safety Dance" is heard]
Eric: What was that?
The Angel: You'll find out.
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his 10-year reunion would be had he never kissed Donna]
The Angel: And there's Kelso.
Eric: What happened to him?
The Angel: He thought he could do the weather drunk, so the network fired him.
Eric: So, what's he doing now?
The Angel: He works for you selling waterbeds.
Eric: Man, what a loser! Hey, wait. I sell waterbeds.
Michael Kelso: [shouts] Ooooh! Burn! That's a burn about a burn! That's a 2nd degree burn!
Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[wraps his arms around her]
Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.
Eric: Then call me Able.
[kisses her]
Eric: Oh, a little mood music.
[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]
Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.
Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?
Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]
Eric: I mean... hey baby!
Steven Hyde: [admitting to Jackie, after years of saying that he hated her] I love you.
Michael Kelso: I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...
[begins to cry]
Fez: [stares at kelso]
Steven Hyde: [stares at kelso]
Eric: [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle
Michael Kelso: I can't help it.
Michael Kelso: I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song
Michael Kelso: [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]
Steven Hyde: Hey I kno how you can start it.
[begins to sing]
Steven Hyde: You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore
Eric: My sister is such a whore
[begins to giggle]
Michael Kelso: [glares at hyde]
Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
[to Eric]
Red Forman: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.
Eric: I love you too, Dad.
Red Forman: What? Stop being weird.
Eric: Thanks.
Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.
Eric: I love... cake.
Eric: [in a later scene] Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?
Donna Pinciotti: You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.
Eric: OK, I deserve that.
Fez: That's not a tater tot... that's a tater giant!
Kitty Forman: Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?
Donna: Kelso, I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad.
Eric: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
[both Eric and Hyde laugh]
Red: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
[Laurie storms out]
Hyde: That one's my favorite.
Laurie Forman: Oh, for God's sake! Eric saw you guys doing it!
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. You saw your father and I having inter...
Eric: [shocked] Mom!
Laurie Forman: Oh, well, no wonder you have been acting so strange. Red, say something to the boy.
Red Forman: Oh! Ummm... It's more fun than it looks.
Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
Eric: No, you don't.
Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
Kitty Forman: I need someone who can take evil
[Laurie walks in]
Kitty Forman: How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.
Laurie Forman: Not interested.
Kitty Forman: It pays 10 dollars.
Laurie Forman: I'll do anything for ten dollars.
Kitty Forman: For once that's a good thing.
Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
[Double take]
Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
Michael Kelso: Winning!
[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
[he can't find the words]
Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
[walks off]
Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
Eric: I said no.
Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Kitty Forman: Dumbass!
[Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, do I really disgust you?
Steven Hyde: No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not.
Jackie Burkhardt: Me too! I mean, I like how scruffy you are.
Steven Hyde: Of course you do.
Red: Let me get this straight. Donna came crawling back to you... and you said *no*?
Kitty Forman: [shakes head for a second in disbelief] DUMBASS!
Eric: Look, I... I couldn't be her second choice.
Red: Oh, so now you're too *proud* to take her back? And what do *you* have to be proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth!
Leo: [to Kitty in church] I love it here. You can sing as loud as you want. That dude wails away on the organ. That dude up there tells stories. It's almost a religious experience!
Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.
Steven Hyde: Leo, was this UFO at a football game?
Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!
[Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh]
Leo: Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!
Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
[to himself]
Red Forman: I love my job.
Eric: I love you too, Dad.
Red Forman: Oh, Eric, stop being weird.
Eric: Thanks, Dad!
Bob Pinciotti: [Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red] Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.
Red Forman: [Red's acting nice] I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.
[hugs Bob]
Bob Pinciotti: Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.
Kelso: Hi, I'd like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Kelso: Yes.
Kitty Forman: [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!
[shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old]
Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red Forman: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.
Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
Fez: I like my women like I like my wine - red and full of alcohol.
Kitty Forman: I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'
Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Steven Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Michael Kelso: Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.
Kitty Forman: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.
Kitty Forman: Sex, it's not dirty.
Red Forman: It's not clean either.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.
[Red stole Bob's Christmas lights]
Kitty Forman: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!
[after setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner]
Kitty Forman: I feel like I'm forgetting something...
[the phone rings]
Kitty Forman: Oh, my God, I forgot your mom.
[Steven hits Jackie's new boyfriend because he calls her a bitch]
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, what happened?
Steven Hyde: What? Nothing... just... somebody and then... the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde: ...No?
Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me.
Fez: AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.
Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?
Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde: No.
Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me.
[Eric's dream sequence during "A New Hope"]
Red as Obi: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?
Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!
Eric: So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.
Fez: Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.
Steven Hyde: See, this is why your country lost the war.
Fez: My country never fought a war.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, big surprise.
Michael Kelso: Cartoons make me horny. Oh and food.
Donna Pinciotti: Excuse me Jackie, when did you lose your soul?
Jackie Burkhardt: Cheerleading camp.
Steven Hyde: That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.
[Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out]
Kitty Forman: Red, say something.
Red Forman: It's more fun than it looks.
Eric: Hey dad. You coming back inside?
Red Forman: Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.
Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?
Red Forman: Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.
Eric: What?
Red Forman: I don't know. Just, get back in there.
Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
Fez: Yes.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?
[the gang nods]
Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I'm so Brando.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.
Michael Kelso: If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free.
Jackie Burkhardt: Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.
Michael Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT.
Fez: Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".
[on buying an economy car during the oil crisis]
Red Forman: The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.
Red Forman: We're all gonna go to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.
[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.
Eric: [badly hungover] My head hurts.
Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?
[Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many]
Donna Pinciotti: Whatever happened to Zen?
Steven Hyde: Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.
Michael Kelso: I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks.
Michael Kelso: Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.
Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.
Eric: Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed.
Donna Pinciotti: I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it.
Michael Kelso: If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it.
[while being questioned by Canadian police]
Michael Kelso: If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what do you call bacon?
Michael Kelso: Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want.
Red Forman: What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad.
Eric: I got a B.
Red Forman: You couldn't get an A?
Kitty Forman: Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.
Eric: Why does he get a duper?
[Cooking]
Kitty Forman: Where's my brown sugar?
Fez: I'm right here, sweetie pie.
Michael Kelso: Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it.
Michael Kelso: Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.
Fez: Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?
Michael Kelso: No.
Steven Hyde: Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.
Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop out.
Michael Kelso: OK, ENOUGH.
Eric: Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Steven Hyde: That's a good one Forman.
Eric: I know, it just came to me.
Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
Michael Kelso: This can't be happening to me.
Fez: Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Steven Hyde: Fezzy, man... Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
[seeing a square dance]
Red Forman: It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.
Kitty Forman: You kids change partners more than square dancers.
[Everyone is going to a new club]
Michael Kelso: All right. I'm going.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael, my parents are going out tonight. You're coming over to my house to... study.
Michael Kelso: No. What a gyp. I'm going to the club.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael. You have to come over to my house to "STUDY".
Michael Kelso: Fine. I'm gonna study.
Steven Hyde: Man, you're stupid.
Michael Kelso: I know, that's why I have to go study.
Kelso: You have the right to remain BURNED!
Red: Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.
Laurie Forman: Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?
Kitty Forman: Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.
[Eric just looks down]
Kitty Forman: Look at me.
[Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex]
Kitty Forman: Do you have fever?
Red: [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too] I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.
Kitty Forman: [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest] Eric, is something bothering you?
Eric: [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times] God, make it stop!
[leaves the table]
Red Forman: Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.
Kitty Forman: Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.
Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.
[about Eric's parents]
Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe they're pregnant.
Eric: I can't believe they're still doing it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?
The others: Ahh, nooo...
Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
Kelso: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
Donna: How are you gonna do that?
Michael Kelso: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
Eric: So what are you gonna say?
Michael Kelso: Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Donna: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
Michael Kelso: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
Fez: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
Michael Kelso: Oh, you just wait and see.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I.
Eric: Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was... BYE.
[on Valentine's day]
Kitty Forman: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.
[Awkward pause]
Kitty Forman: OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red Forman: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty Forman: I know, keep walking.
[Kitt and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
Fez: Who are you?
Rhonda: Fez, it's me Rhonda.
Fez: So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?
Rhonda: No. It's not kosher.
Fez: Who said?
Rhonda: [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.
Fez: Oh, really?
[turning to Donna and Jackie]
Fez: What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?
Donna Pinciotti: I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.
Jackie Burkhardt: You said she was a sasquatch.
Donna Pinciotti: So did you.
Red Forman: This is a smoke detector.
Michael Kelso: Does that detect any type of smoke?
Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red Forman: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.
[Eric has a dream sequence with Donna]
Eric: Look at me. I weigh 80 pounds. Do you know why I'm bald? It's because my body is eating its own hair.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie.
Michael Kelso: I'm prettier than you.
Fez: Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies.
[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]
Michael Kelso: Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...
Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.
Fez: And basic hygiene.
Eric: Panties. Glorious panties.
Eric: Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin'...
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, guess what I got?
Steven Hyde: VD?
Michael Kelso: No. A hundred bucks.
Eric: So money to treat your VD.
[Michael on Eric]
Michael Kelso: How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?
Fez: Not me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Not me.
Steven Hyde: Not me, man.
Michael Kelso: Thank you.
[Fez is interviewing for a job]
Nina: You're stubborn, under qualified and can barely speak English... Welcome to the DMV.
Rhonda: If I don't get a friggin' MandM, then I'm gonna start swingin'.
Fez: These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?
Red Forman: When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.
Michael Kelso: It turns out, the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look - my own brain.
[about Donna]
Eric: She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'.
Kitty Forman: Bed checks, here we come.
Red Forman: Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.
Kitty Forman: I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.
Bob Pinciotti: You know Red, that hurts.
Red Forman: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob Pinciotti: You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.
Red Forman: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.
Red Forman: Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater.
[Cousin Penny leaves]
Red Forman: Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?
Eric: Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red Forman: No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Red Forman: Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.
Eric: Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?
Kitty Forman: Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.
Red Forman: Like a hippie.
Kitty Forman: Is there something you want to tell us?
Red Forman: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty Forman: Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...
Red Forman: ...my foot kickin' your ass.
Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.
Donna Pinciotti: You want my honest opinion, Jackie? Fine. You always try to get people to do what you want, and it's not going to work on Hyde.
Jackie Burkhardt: That's not true. Now, you take that back and feel sorry for me.
Red Forman: Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.
Eric: [sarcastically] Gee, thank you daddy.
Michael Kelso: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.
Red Forman: What are you doing here?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.
Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]
Red Forman: [to Fez] Hey, Ali Baba. Close Sesame.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?
Fez: Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.
Red Forman: [to Fez] Thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.
Fez: Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.
Red Forman: When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
Ricky: Forman, who told you you could go on break?
Kitty Forman: I did.
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty Forman: I'm his mother.
Ricky: Good enough.
Randy Pearson: [to Hyde, about Kelso] Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass off as Cher.
Michael Kelso: Yeah. That's not a bad idea, Andy Gibb!
[Red on Laurie and Michael]
Red Forman: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.
Red Forman: [to Steven] If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.
Kitty Forman: And we love you.
Michael Kelso: What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.
Donna Pinciotti: That's two things you moron.
Michael Kelso: Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.
Michael Kelso: That team is cheating. The brown guy is a robot.
Kitty Forman: [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Michael Kelso: Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.
Red Forman: If the US government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You. And God Bless America."
Fez: My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.
[Kitty wants to redecorate the basement]
Red Forman: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?
Kitty Forman: Maybe.
Red Forman: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty Forman: I like you.
Michael Kelso: If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it.
[Donna reads Hyde's elementary school profile]
Donna Pinciotti: Steven is destined to be one of the smartest people...
Steven Hyde: Nice.
Donna Pinciotti: ?in his cellblock.
[after Hyde makes a batch of special brownies]
Michael Kelso: One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything."
Frank: How can you give away your stuffing recipe? It's the one thing that we have that's better than everyone else's! Our house: crappier. Our son: crappier. Our stuffing: Better!
Steven Hyde: [to Donna] You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy.
Red Forman: Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family.
Red Forman: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...
Steven Hyde: Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?
Eric: No.
Steven Hyde: Ha ha. You do now.
Donna Pinciotti: What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?
Eric: Well, I am... seventeen now.
Steven Hyde: I've been living in the basement.
Eric: You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body.
Eric: I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.
Red Forman: Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.
Kitty Forman: Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Red Forman: Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.
Laurie Forman: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.
Red Forman: For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.
Fez: Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.
Jackie Burkhardt: Androgynous guys are so manly.
Michael Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.
Eric: You smell great. What did you do?
Donna Pinciotti: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.
Eric: Hey I do the same thing in the shower.
Donna Pinciotti: What?
Eric: Nothing.
Red Forman: Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass.
[Fez kisses Jackie]
Donna Pinciotti: What was so good about it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Do you know like Fez talks he sometimes rolls his Rs? Well, that's what he did in my mouth.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.
Michael Kelso: Jackie and I are back together.
Laurie Forman: I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar?
Michael Kelso: Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.
Red Forman: Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
Michael Kelso: What fun is it in being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?
Red Forman: I've been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I've killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it...
Eric: That would be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby. How ? ". I'm just going to stop right there.
Red Forman: I like the sound of a beer church.
Kitty Forman: I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.
Michael Kelso: Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.
Red Forman: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
Michael Kelso: I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn't actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say, and if it went bad I could just walk away... Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time.
Kelso: You guys - I just saw a UFO!
Steven Hyde: What a coincidence! Fez and I were just talking about how stupid you are.
Michael Kelso: [Kelso comes into the basement wearing a pair of goggles] Try hurting my eye now!
[Hyde kicks him in the shin]
Steven Hyde: [drawing a correlation with Kelso thinking he saw a UFO] Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?
Kelso: Yeah...
Steven Hyde: And what did it turn out to be?
Kelso: [not getting Hyde's point] Just a regular snowman...
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we'll never get jewelry again.
Donna Pinciotti: Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever... You know...
Midge Pinciotti: What?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, have you ever... Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?
Midge Pinciotti: You can do that?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but...
Midge Pinciotti: You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he'll paint the bathroom?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but aren't you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?
Midge Pinciotti: Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm getting my bathroom painted.
Red: [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral]
Red: Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?
Kitty Forman: You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.
[Eric and Donna are dressing, after having sex]
Eric: You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun.
[Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo]
Leo: Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.
Eric: Who's Debby?
Leo: Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus...
Eric: Leo, her name is Donna.
Leo: Oh... I can fix that.
Eric: Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's... Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there.
Fez: I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there.
Red Forman: What the hell happened?
Steven Hyde: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.
Red Forman: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.
Kitty Forman: [about her mother] Dad, what is wrong with that woman?
Burt: Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary".
Kitty Forman: My parents are coming tomorrow.
Red Forman: Oh, crap.
Kitty Forman: Red.
Donna Pinciotti: What's wrong with them.
Kitty Forman: It's a complicated situation.
Eric: Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.
Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]
Fez: But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?
Leo: Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.
Steven Hyde: Leo... Once again... You are the boss.
Leo: And, I'm not looking.
[Hyde gives Fez the money]
Red Forman: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.
Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?
Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.
Fez: Eric, what a glorious man-ring.
[Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school]
Donna Pinciotti: So how'd your parents react?
Eric: Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.
Donna Pinciotti: Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?
Michael Kelso: Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god. Is that true?
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
Laurie Forman: No.
Steven Hyde: See?
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, are you OK?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah.
Jackie Burkhardt: How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.
Fez: Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.
Steven Hyde: Fez, that's not your car.
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.
Steven Hyde: Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.
Eric: Today?
Steven Hyde: Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?
Laurie Forman: Yeah, he replaced me with your mom.
Steven Hyde: [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?
Michael Kelso: [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.
Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.
Michael Kelso: Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.
Jackie Burkhardt: Hum, I don't know, Michael...
Michael Kelso: Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, you'd think so.
Michael Kelso: Here, let me get that. Pregnant women should never stand on their tippy-toes, or else the baby will come out all cross-eyed.
Kelso's Date: [Looking at photos of Kelso's newborn daughter] Wow, she's even cuter than you.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, she wishes.
Michael Kelso: It's a girl!
[takes out pictures]
Michael Kelso: Here, look.
Donna Pinciotti: Aw, she's adorable! What's her name?
Michael Kelso: Betsy.
Jackie Burkhardt: [gasps in horror] A fat girl's name!
Michael Kelso: Hello, sir. My name is Michael Kelso. I am about to do things of a sexual nature with your daughter. And although she does these things - with everybody - I now have a newfound respect for women, seeing as I have a daughter myself. Out of wedlock. Don't worry, I'm no longer with the mother. I just came by to seek out your blessing, so I may continue to pleasure your daughter again and again. Thank you for your time.
Jackie Burkhardt: [about Hyde] What he needs is a kick in the nads.
Kitty Forman: It's the holidays, we say 'sleigh bells'.
Michael Kelso: [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.
Steven Hyde: Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.
Kitty Forman: Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
KISS Alarm Clock (on sale at Price Mart): I wanna Rock and Roll All Night, and... WAKE UP... every day!
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.
Eric: Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.
Steven Hyde: I got busted for possession.
Leo: Join the club.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, thanks.
Leo: No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.
Fez: I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.
Michael Kelso: I've heard of 'kissing cousins', but have you ever heard of 'doin' it' cousins?
Michael Kelso: Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine.
Red Forman: Oh and uh, here's a 20.
Laurie Forman: Will that cover for gas?
Kitty Forman: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.
Eric: You know, I could use some gas money.
Red Forman: [laughs] Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.
Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?
Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.
Leo: Hey man, you missed your shift at the Photo Hut. You better have a damn good excuse.
Steven Hyde: I got busted.
Leo: Damn. That's a good excuse.
Red Forman: Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.
Kitty Forman: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.
Jackie Burkhardt: Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?
Eric: Okay... no more for the cheerleader.
Steven Hyde: You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole.
Jackie Burkhardt: You think I'm cute?
Steven Hyde: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.
Red Forman: Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...
Eric: ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...
Donna Pinciotti: Dammit, Kelso. You don't french the bride.
Fez: When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?
[Eric catches Jackie and Hyde]
Jackie Burkhardt: It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want.
Eric: Well, then maybe you should.
Jackie Burkhardt: Why do you even care?
Eric: BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE BAND, YOKO.
[the guys go to a wrestling match]
Steven Hyde: Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that 20 midget free for all, I'm gonna be super-pissed.
Fez: Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.
[after finding out that Eric kissed another girl]
Donna: Why'd you do it?
Eric: Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.
Bob Pinciotti: uh-heh
Red Forman: OK, Bob, What is it?
Bob Pinciotti: I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?
Red Forman: Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.
Bob Pinciotti: Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.
Red Forman: Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.
Bob Pinciotti: H... Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.
Red Forman: You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.
[Red on young people]
Red Forman: Get a job, HA. It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between.
[Red groans]
Eric: Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?
Steven Hyde: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
Eric: Ah.
Red Forman: Idiots.
Steven Hyde: Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.
Fez: Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.
Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like, slut rabies.
Fez: Need a refill?
Burt: Sure. Thanks.
[to Laurie]
Burt: When did they get a house boy?
Leo: Ok, guys. I don't have any beer. I hate alcohol, and I won't have it in my house. So, we're gonna have to drink sake instead.
Fez: Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline: Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.
Fez: No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.
Caroline: WHAT?
Jackie Burkhardt: Ewww...
Fez: Please tell her, Donna... Please?
Donna Pinciotti: [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez: You're a giant, you can take her.
Jackie Burkhardt: Don't pity me because I'm beautiful.
Donna Pinciotti: I pity you because you're dumb.
Steven Hyde: Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again.
Jackie Burkhardt: [Jackie looks at him with tears in her eyes ] You know, that's just what Michael used to say.
[Eric wants to propose to Donna]
Michael Kelso: Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it.
Michael Kelso: Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: [grinning] No problem, buddy.
Jackie Burkhardt: Ok, but, why are they here?
Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]
Michael Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?
[Jackie and Donna freeze]
Michael Kelso: Is this a dream?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.
Michael Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.
Michael Kelso: Ok. Donna first.
Red Forman: I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.
Eric: Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.
[Everybody moves away from Eric]
Red Forman: What did you just say?
Eric: Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?
Red Forman: Damn right.
[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, careful with that.
Michael Kelso: Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna Pinciotti: What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?
Eric: Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?
[Nobody says anything]
Eric: Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.
Michael Kelso: It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.
Fez: Guys, I'm in pain.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.
Fez: No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.
Donna Pinciotti: Eww.
Red Forman: So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?
Kitty Forman: I guess so.
Red Forman: Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.
Kitty Forman: And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.
Red Forman: Deal.
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Red Forman: Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah.
Red Forman: Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country,
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Jackie Burkhardt: No, I don't really cook much. I kinda was just hoping to get by on my looks.
Michael Kelso: The truth is out there, man, it's out there.
Fez: No more for you.
[on Kitty's mother-in-law]
Kitty Forman: Red's mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.
Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Eric: You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Red Forman: What are you going to put put on your resume - dumbass?
Fez: You don't like me because I'm not from here.
Red: This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!
[Red, Bob, Kitty and Midge got high by accident]
Kitty Forman: You know what I love? Fruit cake. All those fruit just stuffed into one cake...
Midge Pinciotti: I jumped out of a cake once.
Fez: Poor Hyde. You are in love with Donna and she's with your good friend Eric.
Steven Hyde: So what?
Fez: So it's the saddest story in the world.
Steven Hyde: You know what? I had a chance, and I didn't take it.
[Eric puts boxes on a dolly. He whistles. Red works at his desk]
Red: You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling!
Eric: Oh. Sorry.
[not whistling, he puts another box on the dolly]
Red: Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll...
Eric: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Red: Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale.
Eric: Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.
Red: Really? Well, way to take initiative.
Eric: "Way to take initiative...”? What are you up to?
Red: Nothing. I just think you did a god job.
Eric: Okay. But I'm watching you.
Red: Stop being weird.
Laurie Forman: Hey, Hyde. Going home, so you could ask another guy "Are you my daddy"?
Steven Hyde: Hey, Laurie. The surgeon general called, he told you to stop taking all the penicillin.
Laurie Forman: You know, you should watch your table manners. Because, when you're in prison, that would just really turn on some guy named "Tank".
Steven Hyde: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you could ask him to take it easy on me.
Laurie Forman: Oh, yeah? Well... Nice hair.
Steven Hyde: Awww, Laurie... Are you out of put downs?
Laurie Forman: Yeah...
Steven Hyde: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steven Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried.
Steven Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point?
Michael Kelso: Yeah: it's funny when friends get hurt.
Steven Hyde: Close enough.
Michael Kelso: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I'm talking about right?
Steven Hyde: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.
Michael Kelso: C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric: You guys ask me for everything.
Michael Kelso: So, what's one more thing?
Kitty Forman: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red Forman: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8 track. NOT an 8 track. Okay?
Kitty Forman: Why don't they put record players in cars?
Red Forman: OK, Eric, if you don't want an 8 track, you won't get one.
Kitty Forman: Oh, but Red, he wants one.
Eric: No, I don't. I don't want an 8 track.
Red Forman: We'll get you a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.
[repeated line]
Kitty Forman: Oh, Red you do care.
Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
[everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty.
[singing]
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
[Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
Fez: Put on the top forty.
[Fez reaches over for the radio]
Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god, I told her that, it was me! I saved the day!
Jackie Burkhardt: So, Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him! There is a God, and he's on MY SIDE!
Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
Steven Hyde: At parties like this Fez, you collect the leftovers of all the unfinished drinks, and combine them to form on giant, uber-drink. In this case,a Tom Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach.
Donna Pinciotti: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie Burkhardt: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie goes out of the bathroom, they see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face side to side]
Jackie Burkhardt: I think he knows.
Eric: [Kelso, Jackie, Donna and Eric are in a drive in movie. Donna and Jackie screams and hides in the car, then Kelso gets Erics attention, then Eric shoves his face back, then Jackie grabs Kelso face] Donna, it's just a movie.
[Donna gets up. Then Kelso and Jackie starts kicking them in the head while making out]
Eric: Do you want to sit somewhere else?
Donna Pinciotti: So bad.
[they try to get out of the car while Kelso and Jackie were still kicking them]
Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie Burkhardt: I'm pregnant.
[Eric gasps]
Donna Pinciotti: [outside. Donna is playing basketball with Eric. She runs and makes a shot, then she tosses the ball to Eric, which it hits his head, then he turns] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric: Ok, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna Pinciotti: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric: Not here.
[they run in the car]
Eric: [no audio] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocking face]
Jackie Burkhardt: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez: [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Michael Kelso: [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez: [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Michael Kelso: [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie Burkhardt: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez: [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Michael Kelso: [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez: No, I don't know.
Jackie Burkhardt: MICHAEL!
Donna Pinciotti: [when Eric wears a Chicago Bears jersey at a Green Bay Packer game] The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' jersey.
[repeated line]
Red Forman: That kid's on dope!
Fez: What's disco?
Steven Hyde: It's from Hell. And, not the cool part of hell where all the murderers are either, but the lame-ass part where accountants are from.
[the guys are high in Eric's basement]
Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
Fez: Don't resist me, Mama. It's boogie time.
Eric: [imitating Red] I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.
Fez: This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business.
Eric: It's amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person.
Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
Michael Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.
Red Forman: Here's twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red Forman: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.
[Repeated Line]
Michael Kelso: BURN!
[Kelso just found out about Eric being lame in the sack]
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael, I told you about Eric so you could help him, not make fun of him.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, but it's hard to help someone and burn him at the same time.
[Jackie gives him a cold stare]
Michael Kelso: Oh, come on, Jackie, it's funny! I mean, he must have been really bad!
Jackie Burkhardt: So were you.
Michael Kelso: [gaping in horror] OK, I don't think you know what you're saying because you called me your "Apollo Rocket of Love."
Jackie Burkhardt: But the way I said it was
[blandly]
Jackie Burkhardt: "Oh, Michael, you my regular Apollo Rocket of Love."
Michael Kelso: OK, I'm not hearing a difference.
Michael Kelso: Look, Jackie, I don't really know how to say this but... I don't want your stupid stuffed animals in my van.
[Jackie gasps and exits]
Michael Kelso: No, wait, Jackie! I didn't say *you're* stupid. Just all the stuff you like!
Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...
Jackie Burkhardt: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!
Donna: Fat!
Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
Laurie Forman: [Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!
Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.
Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."
Eric: [they're driving Kelso's cousin's car] Why does Sully have a statue of the Virgin Mary on his dashboard?
Michael Kelso: Maybe he's, like, religious.
Steven Hyde: Didn't Sully get imprisoned for arson?
Michael Kelso: Yeah. People who burn stuff believe in God too, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: Why does his key-chain say "I Love Bingo"?
Fez: Sully must love bingo.
Eric: All right. I'm starting to think this isn't Sully's car.
Michael Kelso: Then who's car is it?
[police siren wails]
[referring to that Thanksgiving's events]
Red Forman: You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid
[pause]
Red Forman: it was better than last year.
[referring to Eric's failing grades]
Fez: Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.
Eric: What happened between you two?
Fez: Suffice to say that it involved a crowded parking lot, a half off sale and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.
Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, I agree.
Fez: I'll see you in hell!
Fenton: I'll be wearing your pants!
Red Forman: [to Eric] So, this is how an engaged high school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven Hyde: That was like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn.
[applause]
Donna Pinciotti: Let's get outta here!
Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael Kelso: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
Eric: You don't look like an angel.
The Angel: Well I suppose I could have gone with something like this.
[starts floating above the floor and glowing brightly]
The Angel: Eric Forman, God's favorite little cherub. Come with me, and thy pain shall be healed.
Eric: Are you coming on to me?
Suzy Simpson: [on Fez coming on a "date" between her and Kelso] Michael, I thought it was going to be you, me, and a box of hot lead.
Michael Kelso: Well, now it's even better because it's you, me, and a box of hot Fez.
Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Good one.
Eric: [on the new water heater] This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.
Red Forman: Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?
Eric: Because he had a smart mouth?
Red Forman: That's right.
Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!
[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Kelso, we have to talk about doing it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Michael Kelso: Just a second, Brooke.
[to Fez]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric and Donna]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[to Jackie]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Michael Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Michael Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Michael Kelso: So, Brooke. What did want to talk about?
Brooke: I just found out I'm pregnant.
Michael Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his prom would have been had he not kissed Donna]
Eric: I went to the prom with *Big Rhonda*?
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his life would be had he not kissed Donna]
The Angel: Oh, but it only gets better. Eric, I'm now going to show you your future. Next stop - the '80s!
["The Safety Dance" is heard]
Eric: What was that?
The Angel: You'll find out.
[a guardian angel shows Eric how his 10-year reunion would be had he never kissed Donna]
The Angel: And there's Kelso.
Eric: What happened to him?
The Angel: He thought he could do the weather drunk, so the network fired him.
Eric: So, what's he doing now?
The Angel: He works for you selling waterbeds.
Eric: Man, what a loser! Hey, wait. I sell waterbeds.
Michael Kelso: [shouts] Ooooh! Burn! That's a burn about a burn! That's a 2nd degree burn!
Eric: You know Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[wraps his arms around her]
Donna: You know, being here in you bed. On your... SpiderMan sheets. Makes me feel so Ready, so Willing.
Eric: Then call me Able.
[kisses her]
Eric: Oh, a little mood music.
[turns on a clock radio. Romantic music about a dream plays while he kisses her]
Eric: [dissolve to Eric waking up alone in his bed] Damn.
Donna: [off camera] What's wrong?
Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees the real Donna kneeling next to his bed]
Eric: I mean... hey baby!
Steven Hyde: [admitting to Jackie, after years of saying that he hated her] I love you.
Michael Kelso: I miss Jackie, I can't eat, I can't sleep, well i can eat but...
[begins to cry]
Fez: [stares at kelso]
Steven Hyde: [stares at kelso]
Eric: [stares at kelso] Hey, what did we say, no crying in the circle
Michael Kelso: I can't help it.
Michael Kelso: I need to tell her i didnt mean to cheat on her and that im sorry. I know, I'll write her a song
Michael Kelso: [begins to play ukelae, really badly while singing]
Steven Hyde: Hey I kno how you can start it.
[begins to sing]
Steven Hyde: You don't love me anymore, caught me cheatin' with a whore. See cuz Laurie's the whore
Eric: My sister is such a whore
[begins to giggle]
Michael Kelso: [glares at hyde]
Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
[to Eric]
Red Forman: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.
Eric: I love you too, Dad.
Red Forman: What? Stop being weird.
Eric: Thanks.
Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.
Eric: I love... cake.
Eric: [in a later scene] Donna, it's just that... if I say it, and then we break up, what would I tell myself?
Donna Pinciotti: You could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you.
Eric: OK, I deserve that.
Fez: That's not a tater tot... that's a tater giant!
Kitty Forman: Why don't you try some of that forgiveness that Jesus talked so much about so much?
Donna: Kelso, I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad.
Eric: I love the Bradys... hey, did you ever see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
[both Eric and Hyde laugh]
Red: Hey, did you ever see the one where Greg was a real wise-ass, so Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
[Laurie storms out]
Hyde: That one's my favorite.
Laurie Forman: Oh, for God's sake! Eric saw you guys doing it!
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. You saw your father and I having inter...
Eric: [shocked] Mom!
Laurie Forman: Oh, well, no wonder you have been acting so strange. Red, say something to the boy.
Red Forman: Oh! Ummm... It's more fun than it looks.
Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
Eric: No, you don't.
Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
Kitty Forman: I need someone who can take evil
[Laurie walks in]
Kitty Forman: How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.
Laurie Forman: Not interested.
Kitty Forman: It pays 10 dollars.
Laurie Forman: I'll do anything for ten dollars.
Kitty Forman: For once that's a good thing.
Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
[Double take]
Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
[They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
Michael Kelso: Winning!
[Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
[he can't find the words]
Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
[walks off]
Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
Eric: I said no.
Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Kitty Forman: Dumbass!
[Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, do I really disgust you?
Steven Hyde: No. I disgust me because I'm supposed to be disgusted by you but I'm not.
Jackie Burkhardt: Me too! I mean, I like how scruffy you are.
Steven Hyde: Of course you do.
Red: Let me get this straight. Donna came crawling back to you... and you said *no*?
Kitty Forman: [shakes head for a second in disbelief] DUMBASS!
Eric: Look, I... I couldn't be her second choice.
Red: Oh, so now you're too *proud* to take her back? And what do *you* have to be proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth!
Leo: [to Kitty in church] I love it here. You can sing as loud as you want. That dude wails away on the organ. That dude up there tells stories. It's almost a religious experience!
Leo: I saw a UFO once, man. It was just hanging there in the sky. Then it sent me a message, in big bright yellow letters. I told me I was gonna have a good year.
Steven Hyde: Leo, was this UFO at a football game?
Leo: Yeah, man! And the weird thing was, I was the only one freaking out about it!
[Hyde, Fez, and Kelso start to laugh]
Leo: Wait a minute. Good year? It was a terrible year, man!
Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
[to himself]
Red Forman: I love my job.
Eric: I love you too, Dad.
Red Forman: Oh, Eric, stop being weird.
Eric: Thanks, Dad!
Bob Pinciotti: [Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red] Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.
Red Forman: [Red's acting nice] I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.
[hugs Bob]
Bob Pinciotti: Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.
Kelso: Hi, I'd like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Kelso: Yes.
Kitty Forman: [after throwing away Kelso's electronic football game] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Kelso: Yes! And until now, everyone else had the good grace not to mention it!
[shoves his head in his pillow, reminiscent of a five-year-old]
Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red Forman: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.
Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
Fez: I like my women like I like my wine - red and full of alcohol.
Kitty Forman: I'm sorry, Red, I saw this as my one chance to say 'Laurie got married' without having to add, 'And the baby came early.'
Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower.
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Steven Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Michael Kelso: Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art.
Kitty Forman: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.
Kitty Forman: Sex, it's not dirty.
Red Forman: It's not clean either.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, I went on the pill.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You are going to be so popular.
[Red stole Bob's Christmas lights]
Kitty Forman: Oh, my god. I married the Grinch. I'm Mrs. Grinch!
[after setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner]
Kitty Forman: I feel like I'm forgetting something...
[the phone rings]
Kitty Forman: Oh, my God, I forgot your mom.
[Steven hits Jackie's new boyfriend because he calls her a bitch]
Jackie Burkhardt: Steven, what happened?
Steven Hyde: What? Nothing... just... somebody and then... the guy said 'bitch' and there's nothing.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. He called me a bitch and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde: ...No?
Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I AM the bitch. And you LOVE me.
Fez: AH. This is tomorrow's school paper. Oh my god, on the front page, there's a picture of me kissing Kelso by the lake.
Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?
Fez: We caught a fish, I was excited. I kissed the fish too, but of course they don't show you that.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my god. He called me a bitch, and you hit him. And that's what happened, isn't it?
Steven Hyde: No.
Jackie Burkhardt: Liar. I am the bitch. And you love me.
[Eric's dream sequence during "A New Hope"]
Red as Obi: A Jedi's power lies within his own mi- are you even listening to me?
Eric as Luke: What? Yes. Um, you were saying, may the force be with me?
Red as Obi: No, I did not. Jedi knight. Jedi dumbass!
Eric: So Donna says David and her are just good friends. And if I don't believe that, um, then she's gonna think that I don't trust her.
Fez: Eric, maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean, they look so nice together.
Steven Hyde: See, this is why your country lost the war.
Fez: My country never fought a war.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, big surprise.
Michael Kelso: Cartoons make me horny. Oh and food.
Donna Pinciotti: Excuse me Jackie, when did you lose your soul?
Jackie Burkhardt: Cheerleading camp.
Steven Hyde: That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.
[Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out]
Kitty Forman: Red, say something.
Red Forman: It's more fun than it looks.
Eric: Hey dad. You coming back inside?
Red Forman: Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.
Eric: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?
Red Forman: Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.
Eric: What?
Red Forman: I don't know. Just, get back in there.
Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
Fez: Yes.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. You all hate Laurie?
[the gang nods]
Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I'm so Brando.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.
Michael Kelso: If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free.
Jackie Burkhardt: Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.
Michael Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT.
Fez: Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".
[on buying an economy car during the oil crisis]
Red Forman: The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.
Red Forman: We're all gonna go to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.
[Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.
Eric: [badly hungover] My head hurts.
Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?
[Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many]
Donna Pinciotti: Whatever happened to Zen?
Steven Hyde: Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.
Michael Kelso: I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks.
Michael Kelso: Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.
Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.
Eric: Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed.
Donna Pinciotti: I like showing my butt. I like to show it and I like to shake it.
Michael Kelso: If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it.
[while being questioned by Canadian police]
Michael Kelso: If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what do you call bacon?
Michael Kelso: Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want.
Red Forman: What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad.
Eric: I got a B.
Red Forman: You couldn't get an A?
Kitty Forman: Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.
Eric: Why does he get a duper?
[Cooking]
Kitty Forman: Where's my brown sugar?
Fez: I'm right here, sweetie pie.
Michael Kelso: Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it.
Michael Kelso: Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened.
Fez: Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors?
Michael Kelso: No.
Steven Hyde: Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat.
Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop out.
Michael Kelso: OK, ENOUGH.
Eric: Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Steven Hyde: That's a good one Forman.
Eric: I know, it just came to me.
Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
Michael Kelso: This can't be happening to me.
Fez: Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Steven Hyde: Fezzy, man... Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
[seeing a square dance]
Red Forman: It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.
Kitty Forman: You kids change partners more than square dancers.
[Everyone is going to a new club]
Michael Kelso: All right. I'm going.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael, my parents are going out tonight. You're coming over to my house to... study.
Michael Kelso: No. What a gyp. I'm going to the club.
Jackie Burkhardt: No, Michael. You have to come over to my house to "STUDY".
Michael Kelso: Fine. I'm gonna study.
Steven Hyde: Man, you're stupid.
Michael Kelso: I know, that's why I have to go study.
Kelso: You have the right to remain BURNED!
Red: Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.
Laurie Forman: Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?
Kitty Forman: Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.
[Eric just looks down]
Kitty Forman: Look at me.
[Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex]
Kitty Forman: Do you have fever?
Red: [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too] I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.
Kitty Forman: [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest] Eric, is something bothering you?
Eric: [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times] God, make it stop!
[leaves the table]
Red Forman: Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.
Kitty Forman: Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.
Eric: Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight.
Michael Kelso: Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter.
[about Eric's parents]
Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe they're pregnant.
Eric: I can't believe they're still doing it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, when the empire killed Luke Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?
The others: Ahh, nooo...
Eric: No. He hopped on the Millenium Falcon, and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
Kelso: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
Donna: How are you gonna do that?
Michael Kelso: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
Eric: So what are you gonna say?
Michael Kelso: Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Donna: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
Michael Kelso: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
Fez: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
Michael Kelso: Oh, you just wait and see.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, if Donna's not gonna be here, neither am I.
Eric: Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry. What I meant was... BYE.
[on Valentine's day]
Kitty Forman: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.
[Awkward pause]
Kitty Forman: OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red Forman: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty Forman: I know, keep walking.
[Kitt and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
Fez: Who are you?
Rhonda: Fez, it's me Rhonda.
Fez: So do you want to have a hot-dog eating contest?
Rhonda: No. It's not kosher.
Fez: Who said?
Rhonda: [pointing to Jackie and Donna] They did.
Fez: Oh, really?
[turning to Donna and Jackie]
Fez: What have you meddling whores done to my Rhonda?
Donna Pinciotti: I've got to tell you, Fez it was all Jackie's idea. She wouldn't let her pee.
Jackie Burkhardt: You said she was a sasquatch.
Donna Pinciotti: So did you.
Red Forman: This is a smoke detector.
Michael Kelso: Does that detect any type of smoke?
Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red Forman: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.
[Eric has a dream sequence with Donna]
Eric: Look at me. I weigh 80 pounds. Do you know why I'm bald? It's because my body is eating its own hair.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie.
Michael Kelso: I'm prettier than you.
Fez: Whenever I look at naked ladies, I get really tired. Then I get my second wind, and then I want to look at more naked ladies.
[Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest]
Michael Kelso: Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time...
Jackie Burkhardt: OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty.
Fez: And basic hygiene.
Eric: Panties. Glorious panties.
Eric: Uh-oh, naughty thoughts a-brewin'...
Michael Kelso: Hey guys, guess what I got?
Steven Hyde: VD?
Michael Kelso: No. A hundred bucks.
Eric: So money to treat your VD.
[Michael on Eric]
Michael Kelso: How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me?
Fez: Not me.
Jackie Burkhardt: Not me.
Steven Hyde: Not me, man.
Michael Kelso: Thank you.
[Fez is interviewing for a job]
Nina: You're stubborn, under qualified and can barely speak English... Welcome to the DMV.
Rhonda: If I don't get a friggin' MandM, then I'm gonna start swingin'.
Fez: These after-school specials are thrilling. Who knew that one beer could turn a cheerleader into a whore?
Red Forman: When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.
Michael Kelso: It turns out, the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look - my own brain.
[about Donna]
Eric: She was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. I mean, it was like Sue Ellen on 'Dallas'.
Kitty Forman: Bed checks, here we come.
Red Forman: Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.
Kitty Forman: I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.
Bob Pinciotti: You know Red, that hurts.
Red Forman: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob Pinciotti: You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.
Red Forman: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.
Red Forman: Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater.
[Cousin Penny leaves]
Red Forman: Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?
Eric: Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?
Red Forman: No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.
Red Forman: Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.
Eric: Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?
Kitty Forman: Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.
Red Forman: Like a hippie.
Kitty Forman: Is there something you want to tell us?
Red Forman: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty Forman: Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...
Red Forman: ...my foot kickin' your ass.
Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.
Donna Pinciotti: You want my honest opinion, Jackie? Fine. You always try to get people to do what you want, and it's not going to work on Hyde.
Jackie Burkhardt: That's not true. Now, you take that back and feel sorry for me.
Red Forman: Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.
Eric: [sarcastically] Gee, thank you daddy.
Michael Kelso: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.
Red Forman: What are you doing here?
Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.
Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]
Red Forman: [to Fez] Hey, Ali Baba. Close Sesame.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet?
Fez: Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend.
Red Forman: [to Fez] Thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.
Fez: Mrs. Forman, I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.
Red Forman: When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
Ricky: Forman, who told you you could go on break?
Kitty Forman: I did.
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty Forman: I'm his mother.
Ricky: Good enough.
Randy Pearson: [to Hyde, about Kelso] Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass off as Cher.
Michael Kelso: Yeah. That's not a bad idea, Andy Gibb!
[Red on Laurie and Michael]
Red Forman: This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.
Kitty Forman: Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.
Red Forman: [to Steven] If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.
Kitty Forman: And we love you.
Michael Kelso: What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.
Donna Pinciotti: That's two things you moron.
Michael Kelso: Nuh-uh, hot counts twice.
Michael Kelso: That team is cheating. The brown guy is a robot.
Kitty Forman: [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
Michael Kelso: Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.
Red Forman: If the US government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You. And God Bless America."
Fez: My gosh, Buddy. With a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.
[Kitty wants to redecorate the basement]
Red Forman: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?
Kitty Forman: Maybe.
Red Forman: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty Forman: I like you.
Michael Kelso: If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it.
[Donna reads Hyde's elementary school profile]
Donna Pinciotti: Steven is destined to be one of the smartest people...
Steven Hyde: Nice.
Donna Pinciotti: ?in his cellblock.
[after Hyde makes a batch of special brownies]
Michael Kelso: One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything."
Frank: How can you give away your stuffing recipe? It's the one thing that we have that's better than everyone else's! Our house: crappier. Our son: crappier. Our stuffing: Better!
Steven Hyde: [to Donna] You know what's gonne make you feel better? A scrawny little neighbor boy.
Red Forman: Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family.
Red Forman: Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...
Steven Hyde: Hey Foreman, do you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?
Eric: No.
Steven Hyde: Ha ha. You do now.
Donna Pinciotti: What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?
Eric: Well, I am... seventeen now.
Steven Hyde: I've been living in the basement.
Eric: You know? I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote if off to my changing teenage body.
Eric: I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.
Red Forman: Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.
Kitty Forman: Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Red Forman: Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.
Laurie Forman: You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.
Red Forman: For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.
Fez: Wow, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.
Jackie Burkhardt: Androgynous guys are so manly.
Michael Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.
Eric: You smell great. What did you do?
Donna Pinciotti: I took a bath. I was thinking of you the whole time.
Eric: Hey I do the same thing in the shower.
Donna Pinciotti: What?
Eric: Nothing.
Red Forman: Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass.
[Fez kisses Jackie]
Donna Pinciotti: What was so good about it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Do you know like Fez talks he sometimes rolls his Rs? Well, that's what he did in my mouth.
Fez: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?
Steven Hyde: Well, the beer is stronger. And as a result, their women look prettier.
Fez: Then let's HAUL ASS TO CANADA.
Michael Kelso: Jackie and I are back together.
Laurie Forman: I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar?
Michael Kelso: Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.
Red Forman: Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
Michael Kelso: What fun is it in being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?
Red Forman: I've been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I've killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it...
Eric: That would be like looking at my mom and thinking, "Hey, baby. How ? ". I'm just going to stop right there.
Red Forman: I like the sound of a beer church.
Kitty Forman: I can't believe that any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.
Michael Kelso: Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.
Red Forman: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
Michael Kelso: I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn't actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say, and if it went bad I could just walk away... Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time.
Kelso: You guys - I just saw a UFO!
Steven Hyde: What a coincidence! Fez and I were just talking about how stupid you are.
Michael Kelso: [Kelso comes into the basement wearing a pair of goggles] Try hurting my eye now!
[Hyde kicks him in the shin]
Steven Hyde: [drawing a correlation with Kelso thinking he saw a UFO] Kelso, do you remember that time you thought you saw the abominable snowman?
Kelso: Yeah...
Steven Hyde: And what did it turn out to be?
Kelso: [not getting Hyde's point] Just a regular snowman...
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, sex is how we control men. If they know we like it as much as they do, we'll never get jewelry again.
Donna Pinciotti: Mom, when you and dad got into an argument, did you ever... You know...
Midge Pinciotti: What?
Donna Pinciotti: Well, have you ever... Stopped having sex with dad in order to win an argument?
Midge Pinciotti: You can do that?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but...
Midge Pinciotti: You mean that if I stop having sex with your father, he'll paint the bathroom?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, but aren't you worried about how it can hurt the relationship?
Midge Pinciotti: Blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I'm getting my bathroom painted.
Red: [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral]
Red: Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?
Kitty Forman: You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.
[Eric and Donna are dressing, after having sex]
Eric: You know Donna, you're a great study buddy. You make studying fun.
[Eric wants to impress Donna, so he gets her name tattooed on his butt by Leo]
Leo: Dude, Debby is gonna be real happy about this.
Eric: Who's Debby?
Leo: Hello? Your girlfriend, Debby? Jesus...
Eric: Leo, her name is Donna.
Leo: Oh... I can fix that.
Eric: Guys, I can't think Penny is hot. I mean, she's my cousin. That's like thinking my mom's... Whoa, I'm gonna stop right there.
Fez: I thought that about your mother, but I didn't stop there.
Red Forman: What the hell happened?
Steven Hyde: Eric made out with Laurie's friend.
Red Forman: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.
Kitty Forman: [about her mother] Dad, what is wrong with that woman?
Burt: Don't worry sweetheart. Her screaming at you means she loves you and understands you're going through a hard time. Just like her smashing your golf clubs means "Happy Anniversary".
Kitty Forman: My parents are coming tomorrow.
Red Forman: Oh, crap.
Kitty Forman: Red.
Donna Pinciotti: What's wrong with them.
Kitty Forman: It's a complicated situation.
Eric: Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.
Red: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
[Leo just fired Fez from the PhotoHut]
Fez: But how am I supposed to pay for my shoes?
Leo: Just do what I do, man. Take money from the register when the boss isn't looking.
Steven Hyde: Leo... Once again... You are the boss.
Leo: And, I'm not looking.
[Hyde gives Fez the money]
Red Forman: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.
Donna Pinciotti: Why does your dad want to ruin my dad's barbecue?
Eric: Well, my dad thinks that if your dad's barbecue is better than his, the russkies are gonna take over the planet.
Fez: Eric, what a glorious man-ring.
[Eric took blame for Donna's smoking in school]
Donna Pinciotti: So how'd your parents react?
Eric: Surprisingly, not so good. It turns out that Red has a temper.
Donna Pinciotti: Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley?
Michael Kelso: Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp.
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god. Is that true?
Steven Hyde: I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
Laurie Forman: No.
Steven Hyde: See?
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, are you OK?
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah.
Jackie Burkhardt: How can you be OK? There's a college *woman* sleeping in Eric's bed.
Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, Eric's sleeping in the basement.
Jackie Burkhardt: Donna, stairs can't stop a high school horn dog. Barbed wire can't stop a high school horn dog. A wall of fire can't stop a high school horn dog.
Fez: Hey, guys. I was just showing Caroline the backseat of my Vista Cruiser.
Steven Hyde: Fez, that's not your car.
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah, Fez. Foreigners aren't allowed to drive cars in this country, unless it's a cab.
Steven Hyde: Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie?
Michael Kelso: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with.
Eric: Today?
Steven Hyde: Pimp gave you the holiday off, huh?
Laurie Forman: Yeah, he replaced me with your mom.
Steven Hyde: [about Kelso's shirt being in Laurie's room] Say, how'd THAT get there?
Michael Kelso: [trying to cover his affair with Laurie] That's funny. No - This isn't even mine! Yeah, this must be ERIC'S shirt.
Jackie Burkhardt: Your mom sewed your name in it, Michael.
Michael Kelso: Man, Eric's going to be pissed, huh? Yeah, 'cause I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must've sewed my name in it.
Jackie Burkhardt: Hum, I don't know, Michael...
Michael Kelso: Jackie, if I were lying I'd come up with a lot better lie than that.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, you'd think so.
Michael Kelso: Here, let me get that. Pregnant women should never stand on their tippy-toes, or else the baby will come out all cross-eyed.
Kelso's Date: [Looking at photos of Kelso's newborn daughter] Wow, she's even cuter than you.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, she wishes.
Michael Kelso: It's a girl!
[takes out pictures]
Michael Kelso: Here, look.
Donna Pinciotti: Aw, she's adorable! What's her name?
Michael Kelso: Betsy.
Jackie Burkhardt: [gasps in horror] A fat girl's name!
Michael Kelso: Hello, sir. My name is Michael Kelso. I am about to do things of a sexual nature with your daughter. And although she does these things - with everybody - I now have a newfound respect for women, seeing as I have a daughter myself. Out of wedlock. Don't worry, I'm no longer with the mother. I just came by to seek out your blessing, so I may continue to pleasure your daughter again and again. Thank you for your time.
Jackie Burkhardt: [about Hyde] What he needs is a kick in the nads.
Kitty Forman: It's the holidays, we say 'sleigh bells'.
Michael Kelso: [Michael arrives at the door to pick up Laurie for a date] Hello, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date.
Steven Hyde: Man, you're dating Laurie?... That's not "going where no man has gone before"; that's going where *every* man has gone before.
Kitty Forman: Steven, it's not nice to be so... truthful.
KISS Alarm Clock (on sale at Price Mart): I wanna Rock and Roll All Night, and... WAKE UP... every day!
Donna Pinciotti: Oh, my god what is she doing here? She could ruin everything.
Eric: Oh, don't worry. She isn't here today as a math teacher who's failing me. No, she's here today as a cradle robbing slut.
Steven Hyde: I got busted for possession.
Leo: Join the club.
Steven Hyde: Yeah, thanks.
Leo: No, I mean join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're trying to raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.
Fez: I wonder what's up with Jackie. She looks scared... like a deer in the headlights caught with its pants down.
Michael Kelso: I've heard of 'kissing cousins', but have you ever heard of 'doin' it' cousins?
Michael Kelso: Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine.
Red Forman: Oh and uh, here's a 20.
Laurie Forman: Will that cover for gas?
Kitty Forman: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.
Eric: You know, I could use some gas money.
Red Forman: [laughs] Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.
Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?
Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.
Leo: Hey man, you missed your shift at the Photo Hut. You better have a damn good excuse.
Steven Hyde: I got busted.
Leo: Damn. That's a good excuse.
Red Forman: Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.
Kitty Forman: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.
Jackie Burkhardt: Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing. Isn't that funny?
Eric: Okay... no more for the cheerleader.
Steven Hyde: You know what your problem is? You're really cute, but nobody ever told you to shut your piehole.
Jackie Burkhardt: You think I'm cute?
Steven Hyde: SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.
Red Forman: Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...
Eric: ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...
Donna Pinciotti: Dammit, Kelso. You don't french the bride.
Fez: When is it Fez's turn? Where is my whore?
[Eric catches Jackie and Hyde]
Jackie Burkhardt: It's just a meaningless fling, okay? We can stop whenever we want.
Eric: Well, then maybe you should.
Jackie Burkhardt: Why do you even care?
Eric: BECAUSE YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE BAND, YOKO.
[the guys go to a wrestling match]
Steven Hyde: Hey, can we get a move on? If I miss that 20 midget free for all, I'm gonna be super-pissed.
Fez: Look, my first snowball. I love snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy.
[after finding out that Eric kissed another girl]
Donna: Why'd you do it?
Eric: Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.
Bob Pinciotti: uh-heh
Red Forman: OK, Bob, What is it?
Bob Pinciotti: I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?
Red Forman: Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.
Bob Pinciotti: Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.
Red Forman: Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.
Bob Pinciotti: H... Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.
Red Forman: You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.
[Red on young people]
Red Forman: Get a job, HA. It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between.
[Red groans]
Eric: Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?
Steven Hyde: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
Eric: Ah.
Red Forman: Idiots.
Steven Hyde: Looks like Shelley has a thing for Foreman.
Fez: Yes, and Foreman has a thing for Shelley. And it's in his pants.
Donna Pinciotti: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like, slut rabies.
Fez: Need a refill?
Burt: Sure. Thanks.
[to Laurie]
Burt: When did they get a house boy?
Leo: Ok, guys. I don't have any beer. I hate alcohol, and I won't have it in my house. So, we're gonna have to drink sake instead.
Fez: Caroline, I have to break up with you.
Caroline: Why? Don't say it's because I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.
Fez: No... um... it's because... Donna and I are in love.
Caroline: WHAT?
Jackie Burkhardt: Ewww...
Fez: Please tell her, Donna... Please?
Donna Pinciotti: [whispers] What if she tries to kill me?
Fez: You're a giant, you can take her.
Jackie Burkhardt: Don't pity me because I'm beautiful.
Donna Pinciotti: I pity you because you're dumb.
Steven Hyde: Jackie, I am really, really sorry and I'll never do it again.
Jackie Burkhardt: [Jackie looks at him with tears in her eyes ] You know, that's just what Michael used to say.
[Eric wants to propose to Donna]
Michael Kelso: Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it.
Michael Kelso: Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde.
Steven Hyde: [grinning] No problem, buddy.
Jackie Burkhardt: Ok, but, why are they here?
Michael Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch.
[Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night]
Michael Kelso: [wakes up] Jackie? Donna?
[Jackie and Donna freeze]
Michael Kelso: Is this a dream?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream.
Michael Kelso: Are we gonna do it?
Jackie Burkhardt: Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it.
Michael Kelso: Ok. Donna first.
Red Forman: I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.
Eric: Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.
[Everybody moves away from Eric]
Red Forman: What did you just say?
Eric: Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?
Red Forman: Damn right.
[Kelso is clumsy with a gun]
Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, careful with that.
Michael Kelso: Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident.
Donna Pinciotti: What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade?
Eric: Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right?
[Nobody says anything]
Eric: Oh, my god. You killed my hamster.
Michael Kelso: It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident.
Fez: Guys, I'm in pain.
Donna Pinciotti: Yeah, I know, Fez. It hurts when a girl you like ignores you.
Fez: No. I mean I kissed her, and now I am in PAIN.
Donna Pinciotti: Eww.
Red Forman: So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?
Kitty Forman: I guess so.
Red Forman: Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.
Kitty Forman: And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.
Red Forman: Deal.
[Jackie's dad got arrested]
Red Forman: Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?
Jackie Burkhardt: Yeah.
Red Forman: Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country,