Meet Wally Sparks (1997)
Rodney Dangerfield: Wally Sparks
Photos
Quotes
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Wally Sparks : I hear in Canada you only have sex doggy style; that way you can both see the hockey game.
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Wally Sparks : Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up.
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Wally Sparks : I am here to spread Joy, tell me when you find her.
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Wally Sparks : [Wally has exposed the affair between the Judge and Lola] Wow. it's looks like he's been banging more than his gavel.
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Wally Sparks : [Wally has just scratched his back against a woman] Thanks honey, stick around I might get jock itch.
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Wally Sparks : Folks, the first half of this show has been pretty amazing and the second half is no different. And I'm going to start the second half by telling you...
[Wally stands up]
Wally Sparks : ...I can walk. I've been faking it, pretending I was hurt for my own selfish reasons. You know, this may be my last show. A lot of people don't think I should be on TV anymore. Maybe they're right. I'm only sorry for all the pain and suffering I caused the Governor and how I hurt this sweet, innocent girl.
[Wally approaches Lola and rests his hand on her shoulder]
Wally Sparks : Look at that virgin smile. A babe lost in the woods. And you wanted to be an actress, didn't you?
Lola Larue : That's right. Disney movies.
Wally Sparks : Oh, I'm sure you'd be right at home with Pinocchio.
[a kazoo sound is played]
Wally Sparks : Well tonight, you're in luck, honey! It so happens we have a clip of your acting debut. Roll it, Sandy!
Sandy Gallo : [to a tech] Go.
[a porn video plays of Lola performing oral sex on Ron Jeremy and smiling at the camera plays]
Wally Sparks : Where'd you learn to study, honey, down under?
[Lola looks at Judge Williams, both horrified]
Wally Sparks : She gives a new meaning to "method acting."
[the crew in the room laugh and gossip as Lola fluffs her hair after the climax]
Wally Sparks : Hey, with this role, your acting career really got a head start.
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Wally Sparks : The other day I saved a girl from being attacked: I changed my mind.
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Wally Sparks : What a place, Canada; they started a country and no one showed up.
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Wally Sparks : Remember folks, every man has his tale of woe. Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tale.
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Wally Sparks : I looked up your family tree. Two dogs were using it.
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Wally Sparks : And remember, it's lonely at the top, when there's no one on the bottom.
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Wally Sparks : You never had me.
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Wally Sparks : [the Judge nearly stabs Wally in the groin] I was just circumsized by Benihana.
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Wally Sparks : [the Judge hits Wally in the butt with a sword; to camera] ooh, he got me right in the touché.
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Wally Sparks : [Judge Randell pushes Lola] I guess she misjudged the Judge.
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Wally Sparks : Adios Judge
[slides down railing almost hits his groin on a railing sphere]
Wally Sparks : Aaahhh! Get me a ball buster.
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Wally Sparks : [the Judge attacks Wally with a saber] Everybody run for the hills.
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Wally Sparks : [sword fighting the judge] can't we talk this over
[saber nearly stabs him]
Wally Sparks : Ooh, I see your point.
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Wally Sparks : [the Judge narrowly misses slashing Wally instead cuts flowers from a vase] fresh cut flowers.
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Wally Sparks : [notices a couple making out] you two should find a room
[sees an obese couple making out]
Wally Sparks : you two should find a warehouse.