Hi! I'm the CREDIT GUY - You know, the sensitive guy who makes up the end credits on all these films. It gets pretty lonely around here, you know, dedicating my spirit to a vastly under-appreciated art form - so I thought I'd slip in a little personal ad. I'm sure the producers won't mind. If any women are interested in water sports please call me at 1-800-838-7662! Run out into the lobby and make the call now. Oh, yeah - and I love big hooters!
The CREDIT GUY here again. You know, it gets a little upsetting. I know no one ever reads the credits. Not a single girl with enormous melons has called me. No one appreciates my profession, but to me the credits are a great form of literature. My credits for SGT. KABUKIMAN, NYPD rivaled the greatest works of Proust! AND NOT A SINGLE OF YOU JERKS CAN TAKE OUT A FEW MINUTES TO READ THEM! Uh, sorry. Please call.
The producers would like to take this moment to let you know we in no way endorse the use of opium; we do, however, endorse Opie from the Andy Griffith Show as a role model for those involved in the gynecological profession.
People who did not act in this film: Sandra Bullock John Travolta Gerard Depardieu Michelle Pfeiffer Gabe Kaplan and Danielle Day Lewis as "Gringo Ted"
Tattoo/Body pierce: Sandee Brockwell Franklin Pierce: 12th President of the U.S.
Additionally, still a pornographer: James Gunn
All of the crew were handled with the utmost care during the filming and were never drugged or sedated. Not by the producers, at least.
Most horrible puns: Albert Height (since known as Albert Depth)
Loader: Arthur Goldsmith Loaded: The camera crew...after 2 p.m.
Cable person: William Sinclair Capable person: No one in the Vehicle dept.
Sound mental condition: No one in this film
Set carpenter: Peter Anzalone Karen Carpenter: Was not in this film
The characters and events portrayed in this motion picture are purely fictional. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental - omitting the dead squirrel at the beginning who was based on Melvin Fiddler, a good buddy of ours from Grammar School.
Best boys: Martin Nowlan / Steven Ramsey Worst boy: Adolf Hitler Wurst boy: Lenny "Liver breath" Powers Kind-of, sort-of okay boy: Michael Steinberg
Unit manager: Andrew Weiner Manager of his unit: No one in this crew
Key grips: Michael Franzetti / David Wasserman Key gripe: "Lloyd's breath smells like vodka" Key grope: Mindy "Wonder melons" Sanchez's breasts
Apple pie technician: Susan Kaufman Rye sense of humor: Charles "Bread & Cie." Kaufman
Illicit affairs: The Capulet Family
Pre-production coord.: Michelle Roa Pre-pubescent coord.: Everyone in this film
Drivers: David Dillon / Dylan Forer Putters: Just as important as drivers
Genetically engineered: "The ear mouse"
Phlegm: More fun than silly putty
[...] Any unauthorized duplication, distribution or exhibition of this photoplay may result in a criminal prosecution as well as civil liability. In addition, we will tell your mom.
Smooth operator: Bill Clinton
World's smallest penis: Matthew Gunn
All animals were handled with the utmost care during the filming and were never drugged, sedated, or harmed. Um, well, except for that rare, endangered, gray-tailed Persian mouse we gleefully fed to the lizard...if "dead" is considered harmed...