So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Alan Arkin: Tony's Boss, Precinct Captain

Photos 

Quotes 

• Police Chief : [noticing Tony is depressed]  Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.

  Tony Giardino : Well, Captain, it's about my job.

  Police Chief : Ah.

  [sits down with Tony] 

  Tony Giardino : I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.

  Police Chief : [contemplates]  It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.

  Tony Giardino : Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?

  Police Chief : Yes, I know that part.

  Tony Giardino : I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.

  Police Chief : Now *that* sounds like a lot of fun.

  Tony Giardino : And that's the other thing. You're too nice.

  Police Chief : I'm too nice?

  Tony Giardino : Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?

  Police Chief : Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.

  Tony Giardino : A quorum?

  Police Chief : Yeah.

  Tony Giardino : Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.

  Police Chief : Hey. Somebody needs a hug!

• Tony Giardino : What's the news?

  Police Chief : Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.

  Tony Giardino : I knew she would! I knew it!

  Police Chief : Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase!

• Police Chief : Hey Paisane! You screw up one more time I'm going to kick your spaghetti bending butt back to Milan!