Bob Wiley:
Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock.
Bob Wiley:
Leo, I see salt and pepper... is there a salt substitute?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point! He's never gone!
[
Leo opens the door; there's Bob]
Bob Wiley:
Is this some radical new therapy?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
YOU SEE?
Bob Wiley:
You ever hear of Tourette's syndrome? Involuntarily shouting profanity?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
It's exceptionally rare.
Bob Wiley:
Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch! Bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nuts, dickhead, BITCH!
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Why exactly are you doing this?
Bob Wiley:
If I fake it, then I don't have it.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
I want some peace and quiet!
Bob Wiley:
Well, I'll be quiet.
Siggy:
I'll be peace!
[
Bob and Siggy burst into giggles]
Bob Wiley:
What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find one, and my bladder explodes?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Are you married?
Bob Wiley:
I'm divorced.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Would you like to talk about that?
Bob Wiley:
There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
[
pause] I see. So, what you're saying is that even though you are an almost-paralyzed, multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic, your wife did not leave you, you left her because she... liked Neil Diamond?
[
Leo is strapping a bomb to Bob]
Dr. Leo Marvin:
This is black powder, Bob. One teaspoon of this stuff can blow up a tree stump. There we go!
Bob Wiley:
And, how much is this?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Twenty pounds worth.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
You understand, don't you? There's no other solution. You won't go away.
Bob Wiley:
I will.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
No, you won't. You're just *saying* you will! But then, after I don't kill you, you'll show up again. And you'll do something else to make everyone in my life think you are wonderful and I'm a schmuck. But I'm not a schmuck, Bob, and I'm not going to let you breeze into town and take my family away from me, just because you're crazy enough to be *fun*.
[
Leo has a rifle pointed at Bob]
Bob Wiley:
What are we doing?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Death Therapy, Bob. It's a guaranteed cure.
Bob Wiley:
[
speaking to workers in a mental hospital] It reminds me of my favorite poem, which is, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic... and so am I!"
Bob Wiley:
Isn't this a breakthrough, that I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Keep sailing, Bob!
Bob Wiley:
[
to man on bus] Hi, I'm Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.
Bob Wiley:
...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.
[
doors close]
Bob Wiley:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mr. Guttman:
Hello, Dr. Marvin. The house looks good.
Mrs. Guttman:
Burn in hell, Dr. Marvin!
[
Leo is splattered with mud by a passing car]
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Oh, damn... Son-of-a-bitch-and-BOB!
Dr. Leo Marvin:
On Wednesday we'll eat Gil... on Thursday we'll eat Bob! Ha ha ha, no no no, that's going too far.
Siggy:
I mean, my Dad just dropped me in the water, without warning me first. I mean, I nearly drowned! My whole life flashed before my eyes!
Bob Wiley:
Wow, you're lucky you're only twelve.
Siggy:
It was still grim.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Why are you always wearing black? What is it with you and this death fixation?
Siggy:
Maybe I'm in mourning for my lost childhood.
[
talking to his fish]
Bob Wiley:
Good morning, Gil. I said, good morning, Gil.
Dr. Catherine Tomsky:
If you want to be rid of him, just tell him you won't treat him anymore.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
Catherine, that's easy for you to say. The man is, is like, like human Krazy Glue!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky:
You should never have let him sleep in your pajamas, Leo.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
I can't believe that I'm hearing this!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky:
Relax, Leo.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
I'm relaxed!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky:
Take a vacation.
Dr. Leo Marvin:
I'M ON VACATION!
Dr. Catherine Tomsky:
Maybe you should check in here for a few days. Get a handle on things!
Bob Wiley:
Excuse me, Phil, but with these particular symptoms, is Prozac the right choice?
Lily Marvin:
You think Prozac is a mistake?
Bob Wiley:
Well, with this kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective management tool.
Phil:
You could be right. I'll rewrite the prescription.
Bob Wiley:
[
riding in Leo's car, speaking as Leo drives] It was an interesting morning, fruitful. But it lacked the intensity that you and I generate together, the sparks that we get one-on-one. We just gotta figure out a way to work around your schedule. Could we work afternoons? Two to four? Three to five? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
AHHHHHH!
[
slams the brakes, gets out of the car, walks around, and opens Bob's door]
Bob Wiley:
Are you saying you'd rather work mornings?
Dr. Leo Marvin:
[
nearly incomprehensible] GET OUTTA THE CAR!
Bob Wiley:
[
eating corn] Oh, Fay, this is so scrumptious. Is this hand-shucked?
[
Bob and Siggy are jumping on their beds, faking Tourette's syndrome]
Bob Wiley:
Shit-for-brains!
Siggy:
Butthead!
Bob Wiley:
Dingleberry butt!
Siggy:
Snot face!
Bob Wiley:
Vulture Vomit!
Siggy:
Turkey tits! Belch breath!
Bob Wiley:
Goodbye, rat-dick suck-nut!
Siggy:
[
upstairs] Bye, dog-pissing-barf!
Dr. Leo Marvin:
[
screams from the bottom of the stairs] Sigmund!
Bob Wiley:
Later, testicle-head bosom-beaver!
[
looks out the window]
Bob Wiley:
Good Morning America's here!
[
The Marvins have told Bob to leave, and they are saying their farewells]
Siggy:
Goodbye, green-puking pissant.
Bob Wiley:
Later, barf-breath douche-mouth.
Bob Wiley:
[
telling a joke] The doctor draws two circles and says "What do you see?" the guy says "Sex."
[
everybody laughs]
Bob Wiley:
Wait a minute, I haven't even told the joke yet! So the doctor draws trees, "What do you see?" the guy says "sex". The doctor draws a car, owl, "Sex, sex, sex". The doctor says to him "You are obsessed with sex", he replies "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
[
first lines]
Bob Wiley:
I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...
Bob Wiley:
[
to himself] ... baby steps get on the bus, baby steps down the aisle, baby steps...
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