[
after crash-landing]
Blaznee:
Well, let's see. We got a torqued-out digi-framus, our mega-spaz redundancy pile is on the blink, and it looks like we bruised our boo-boo.
Deputy Pillsbury:
No license, no registration, no plates, no headlights, no taillights, no WHEELS, and I caught you going 3000 miles per hour. That's
[
punches on calculator]
Deputy Pillsbury:
2945 miles per hour in excess of the posted limit.
Blaznee:
Great. There goes my insurance.
Blaznee:
Kids, 3D and driving don't mix.
Captain Bipto:
Meet us at the Wrenchmuller farm. Bipto out.
Blaznee:
Hey, where do you guys grow your wrenchmullers?
Captain Bipto:
We did win, didn't we?
Blaznee:
No, but if we think fast enough we might just live to lie about it.
Pez:
"Prepare to die, Earth scum. Prepare to die, Earth scum." I'm gonna make sure they carve that on your tombstone!
Pez:
The humans are coming! The humans are coming!
Kathy:
But, Dad, they're not really bad, they're just... stupid.
Giggywig:
I'm telling you that ship has got the flight potential of a cement truck.
Martian Soldier:
Sir, the Arcturans have destroyed the remainder of the fleet. I sent a distress signal to all ships across the galaxy, BUT we're headed straight into their sun, and our engines are about to explode.
Enforcer Drone:
I have not yet begun to fight.
Martian Soldier:
Now would be a great time to start.
Blaznee:
[
singing] Oh give me a home / Where the asteroids roam
Blaznee, Captain Bipto, Dr. Ziplock:
And the gleebs and the buzzy mugs play / Where gravity's low / And the water is snow / And the desert winds blow you away / Mars, Mars is my home / Where everyone's short just like me / I wish I was where / There is not so much air / And two moons to shine down upon me.
[
trying to explain to Captain Bipto that their invasion has failed]
Giggywig:
Let me sum up the entire situation in a nutshell: there are five of us, and four billion of them. They have Strategic Air Command, nuclear powered submarines, and John Wayne. We have this.
[
holds up a small rifle]
Captain Bipto:
Is it loaded?
[
points the rifle at Bipto]
Giggywig:
Let's find out!
Blaznee:
Maybe, you'd better step back and get the big picture here.
Deputy Pillsbury:
Okay...
[
He steps back, and triggers the homemade booby trap]
Deputy Pillsbury:
I've just made a terrible mistake, haven't I?
Blaznee:
Ain't life a bitch?
[
the sheriff watches a surveillance tape as the "War of the Worlds" broadcast on the radio finishes - he pauses it and sees the Martian spaceship flying past]
Orson Welles:
So if your doorbell rings, and nobody's there, that was no Martian. It's Halloween.
Sheriff Sam Hoxly:
You wanna bet?
Captain Bipto:
What do you make of it, Doctor?
Dr. Ziplock:
Well, it's long, flat, and has yellow lines on it; that can only mean one thing ...
Giggywig:
A minefield!
Dr. Ziplock:
I was going to say, "a country road."
Giggywig:
That's what they want us to think. Let me tell you something: one false move and kaboom! You'll be going home in several more pieces than you arrived.
Blaznee:
But, why? Why would Mars want to attack the puny, insignificant forces of Earth?
Others:
[
All together] Because we'd win!
Blaznee:
Just for the record ...
Enforcer Drone:
I'm listening.
Blaznee:
I thought this was a bad idea.
Enforcer Drone:
Just for the record, you'd better hope not.
Pez:
Who died and left you in charge?
Giggywig:
Captain Bipto!
Giggywig:
You take the left flank and I'll take the right.
Pez:
You always get the right flank!
Giggywig:
We've never done this before, idiot!
Giggywig:
Look, when a vastly superior alien culture comes all this way to take over your world, certain basic laws of planetary conquest apply. For example, when someone points a Quad Vectored Hypo Thermic Cosmo Blaster at you, it's a fair bet you are about to become toast.
Mrs. Vanderspool:
Will you please sit down and be quiet?
Giggywig:
Or perhaps in your case, a whole loaf of toast.
Captain Bipto:
What's the problem? Just vaporise; everyone, everything, boof, mission accomplished, medals, awards, a parade, next!
Giggywig:
No! Wrong! False! None of the above! Why: because we're not supposed to be here!
Captain Bipto:
What?
Giggywig:
We goofed, we erred, we misinterpreted the data at hand!
Blaznee:
Told ya so.
Blaznee:
The hyperfusion feedback governor, back on the ship, just had a meltdown. If we don't get back to zero gravity within the next, ohh, hour, the ship's hyperdrive will implode, creating an ever expanding hole in the space-time continuum, making you, me, and the rest of this galaxy, some other universe's problem.
Dumb Guy #1:
What the hell is that?
Dr. Ziplock:
Do something, you're the pilot!
Blaznee:
How about if I eject?
[
after Captain Bipto has been run down by a speeding pickup truck]
Mrs. Vanderspool:
Allright children, look both ways before crossing the street.
Giggywig:
If only Captain Bipto had known!
Pez:
"Prepare to die, Earth scum! Prepare to die, Earth scum!" I'm gonna make sure they carve that on your tombstone!
Giggywig:
Aaaaaaah, SHUT UP!
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