Press Gang (1989–1993)
Lee Ross: Kenny Phillips
Photos
Quotes
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Kenny : People say I'm too reasonable to have opinions, but I don't know about that.
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Tiddler : How was Warner Edison?
Colin : Dead.
Kenny : What?
Colin : He had a heart attack last Wednesday, two hours after he phoned me to come round. It was his funeral this afternoon, and they were having a sort of a gathering at his house. Do you know what I really wish?
Tiddler : What?
Colin : I wish that I hadn't pushed past the guy that opened the door, rushed into the house and shouted "Hi Warner, I'm a bunny-gram!". Do you have any idea what it's like to have every single rich and powerful person in town dressed in black and staring at you, while you're wearing a giant pink rabbit costume to a funeral? Excuse me, I'm just going into the toilet to whimper for a while.
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Lynda : You're sulking, Kenny.
Kenny : Lynda, I am not sulking.
Lynda : Is it because I rejected your computing article?
Kenny : I didn't know you rejected it...?
Lynda : You thought it got torn in half by accident?
Kenny : Oh, breaking it to me gently were you? No, it's not because you rejected my compting article.
Lynda : Is it what I said about your mother?
Kenny : What did you say about my mother?
Lynda : Oh nothing. C'mon Kenny, what is it?
Kenny : Well if you have to know, it is something you said.
Lynda : What?
Kenny : Lynda I do not like "everybody."
Lynda : Kenny that was just something I said in the heat of the moment. Don't take it to heart.
Kenny : I'm sick of people thinking I'm just this reasonable, decent, likeable guy.
Lynda : Oh nobody thinks that.
Kenny : There are lots of people I don't like.
Lynda : Yeah?
Kenny : Well of course.
Lynda : Name one.
Kenny : What?
Lynda : I'm curious. Name one person you really hate. Who's top of your personal hit list?
Kenny : Well I wouldn't like to single out who I hate the most.
Lynda : Why not?
Kenny : Well it wouldn't be fair on them.
Lynda : You really do like everyone, don't you?
Kenny : Oh, I don't like Mr. Cavendish the maths teacher.
Lynda : Well nobody likes him, he's a half-dead, senile, old psychopath!
Kenny : Oh Lynda, he's not that bad.
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Colin : ...and I mean that, Kenny. From-the-Heart City. Total Sincerityville. You're gonna be big. And I mean that. Right from the heart.
[Pats his chest]
Kenny : The other side.
Colin : What?
Kenny : Your heart's on the other side.
Colin : Oh right! That's what you get for practicing in the mirror.
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Lynda : Don't you think you've got something to say to me?
Spike : Suddenly, she stood before him. Their eyes met. Especially hers. Y'know, you really ought to do something about that squint.
Lynda : I don't have a squint!
Spike : Oh no! Must be me!
Kenny : Here we go!
Tiddler : Yep
Lynda : So what made you come in tonight? Don't tell me you were frightened of little old me?
Spike : You know, if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.
Lynda : If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours.
Spike : Oh, were you being funny there? I've heard rumours about you doing this.
Lynda : I've a sense of humour, same as anyone!
Spike : Yeah, you told me once, but I thought you were joking!
Lynda : That's probably because I always laugh when I look at you!
Spike : Ha! You laugh? We'd have to use electrodes!
Lynda : Yeah, on you!
Kenny : Look, can we just stop this, please?
Spike : Tell her, she's the one that needs relaxing!
Lynda : I'm perfectly relaxed!
Spike : You're so uptight, your feet don't reach the ground!
[Lynda looks down]
Spike : Made you look!
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Kenny Phillips : In fact, I am so sweet and loveable, cuddly toys just sneer at me.
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[repeated line]
Kenny : Final paste-up, half an hour.
