The Princess Bride (1987)

Billy Crystal: Miracle Max

Photos 

Quotes 

• Miracle Max : Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.

  Fezzik : I'm on the Brute Squad.

  Miracle Max : [sees Fezzik]  You ARE the Brute Squad!

• Miracle Max : You got any money?

  Inigo Montoya : Sixty-five.

  Miracle Max : I've never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.

  Inigo Montoya : This is noble, sir. His wife is... crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

  Miracle Max : Are you a rotten liar!

  Inigo Montoya : I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

  Miracle Max : Your first story was better.

• Miracle Max : [Lifts and drops the arm of the dead Westley]  I've seen worse.

• Miracle Max : Have fun stormin' da castle.

  Valerie : Think it'll work?

  Miracle Max : It would take a miracle.

• Miracle Max : Get back, witch.

  Valerie : I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that any more.

• Miracle Max : You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

• Miracle Max : He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.

  Inigo Montoya : He's dead. He can't talk.

  Miracle Max : Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.

  Inigo Montoya : What's that?

  Miracle Max : Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

• Inigo Montoya : Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?

  Miracle Max : The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed.

• Inigo Montoya : But this is Buttercup's true love - If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.

  Miracle Max : Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?

  Inigo Montoya : Humiliations galore!

  Miracle Max : HA-HA-HA!

  [mutters under his breath and grabs his cap] 

  Miracle Max : *That* is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.

• Miracle Max : Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world - except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe

  [smacks his lips] 

  Miracle Max : They're so perky, I love that.

• Valerie : Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence has been shattered.

  Miracle Max : Why'd you say that name? You promised me you would never say that name!

  Valerie : What, Humperdinck?

  Miracle Max : Aahaahh!

  Valerie : Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!

  Miracle Max : I'm not listening!

• Miracle Max : Get back witch!

  Valerie : I'm not a witch. I'm your wife!

• Miracle Max : I'd rather eat lint!

• Miracle Max : [to Feezik and Indigo]  Shows what you know. You see, you're friend is mostly dead. If they're all dead, there's only one thing you can do: check their pockets for loose change.