Lawrence Monoson: Ted
Photos
Quotes
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Ted : You broke up with "BJ" Betty?
Jimmy : So to speak. And would you lay off her? She's all right!
Ted : I'll say she's all right. That girl wanted to be treated right! You should have treated her *right*!
Jimmy : I did! I treated her right! I treated her right, that's what's driving me so crazy. I mean, first she would tell me to call because she had something else she needed to do. Then she wouldn't even take my calls! I mean, can you figure that? What the fuck happened?
Ted : Let me put it into the ol' computer.
Jimmy : No, Ted, I'm serious.
Ted : Hey, the computer don't lie. Let's see...
[imitates using a computer, pauses, then smiles]
Jimmy : What?
Ted : It says... it says you're a dead fuck.
Jimmy : What? A dead fuck?
Ted : A lousy lay, you know...
[limps his wrist]
Ted : A limp dick.
Jimmy : Oh! Don't hold back on me, doc, give it to me straight!
Ted : I did not say it; the computer did!
Jimmy : Yeah, well, there is no computer!
Ted : Aha! And there's no Betty, either.
Jimmy : And I'm a dead fuck?
Ted : Like I said, the computer don't lie.
Jimmy : [sighs] God, I'm horny...
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[repeated line]
Ted : Dead fuck.
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Jimmy : Ted. I think... I think when we get to town I should call Betty.
Ted : Jimbo, calling Betty is definitely a dead fuck thing to do. Look, first rule of love: never get rejected by the same girl twice. I mean, that's useless. If you want to make a fool out of yourself, always do it with someone new.
Jimmy : I don't know anyone new.
Ted : Well, sex is a great way to meet them.
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[after meeting twins Tina and Terri]
Ted : [to Jimmy] Two of 'em. Two. Count 'em. One, two.
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Ted : [to hitchhiker] Hey, honey, you got a sister? Ruff, ruff!
