You Can't Do That on Television (1979–2004)
Alasdair Gillis: Alasdair Gillis, Alasdair, Cousin Darwin
Photos
Quotes
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Lisa : [Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag] Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.
Alasdair : [Comes in the bedroom and sees her] Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa : Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.
Alasdair : Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?
Lisa : Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.
Alasdair : A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa?
[Starts to leave]
Alasdair : You need help. A lot of help.
[Leaves the bedroom frantically]
Christine : [Cut to the main set] Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.
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Alasdair : There you are.
Lisa : Alasdair what's wrong?
Alasdair : Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa : How could she do something like that? She's so cute.
Alasdair : Oh yeah.
[Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]
Alasdair : Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa : And my watch? Stephanie!
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Alasdair : Alanis... I...
Alanis : Yes, Alasdair?
Alasdair : [voice cracking] Alanis... I...
Alanis : YES, Alasdair?
Alasdair : Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis : Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay.
Alasdair : You'll come?
Alanis : No, I'll go.
Alasdair : You'll go? Great!
Alanis : I'll go and get my father's gun.
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Alasdair : Hay Vanessa?
Vanessa : Yeah Alasdair?
Alasdair : Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?
Vanessa : Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.
Lisa : [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.
Vanessa : I wouldn't talk, Lisa.
Christine : [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do.
[Goes back in]
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Valarie : [Lisa and Valerie are standing in the kitchen. To Lisa, holding out her hand] Gloves?
Lisa : [Pulls them out of a lower cupboard and hands them to her] Gloves.
Valarie : [Putting on gloves] Sieve?
Lisa : [Pulls sieve out of same place, and hands it to her] Sieve.
Valarie : Foil?
Lisa : [Pulls out a box of aluminum foil] Foil.
Valarie : Not that foil.
[She puts it down, then pulls out a fencing foil]
Valarie : Ah, foil.
[Takes it in her right hand, while she holds the sieve over her face like a fencing mask]
Alasdair : [Running in] What's for dinner, mom?
Valarie : Swordfish, Alasdair. It'll be ready in just a minute.
[to someone else]
Valarie : All right. En garde!
[Starts swordfighting with an apparent swordfish]