Buford T. Justice:
Hey boy, where is Sheriff Branford at?
Sheriff Branford:
I AM Sheriff Branford.
Buford T. Justice:
Oh, pardon me. For some reason you sounded a little taller on radio.
Buford T. Justice:
Give me a diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a god-damn hurry.
Buford T. Justice:
[
to his son] There's no way, *no* way that you came from *my* loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!
Buford T. Justice:
[
shouting at a trucker that has sheered a door off of Justice's patrol car] I saw that, you sombitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!
Buford T. Justice:
[
speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.
Junior:
But Daddy...
Buford T. Justice:
Put the *evidence* in the *car*!
[
shouting to trucker again]
Buford T. Justice:
I'm gonna barbeque yo' ass in molasses!
Bandit:
Well, go girl, go!
Carrie:
[
She is driving] I'm goin' I'm goin! I got the metal to the petal and the thing to the floor!
Carrie:
I think I just went 10-100.
Bandit:
Better than 10-200.
Carrie:
[
a little flustered] Yes that's true.
[
they both laugh]
Buford T. Justice:
If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey
Alabama State Trooper:
Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock!
Buford T. Justice:
You som'bitches couldn't close an umbrella!
Bandit:
[
commenting on Carrie's legs] Cowboys love fat calves.
Carrie:
They're not fat!
Bandit:
Well, they're bigger then mine.
Carrie:
Do we really wanna talk about legs?
Bandit:
Well, one of us wants to.
Carrie:
Smart ass.
Junior:
[
waiting for the "funeral procession] Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
Buford T. Justice:
If they'd a cremated the sum-bitch. I could be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.
Buford T. Justice:
This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.
[
Regarding The Bandit in a hammock]
Big Enos:
Son, you're looking at a legend.
Little Enos:
I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot a like, daddy.
Buford T. Justice:
What the hell is the world coming to?
Branford's Deputy:
You know something Sheriff?
Sheriff Branford:
What?
Branford's Deputy:
If J.W. don't get outta my way I'm gonna pass him.
Sheriff Branford:
Where in the woods? Listen I don't care if your dad is the mayor, you wreck this car; it's gonna come out of your pay.
Branford's Deputy:
Yeah but Sheriff he's getting away.
Sheriff Branford:
Son he's not going anywhere. The Moleberry Bridge has been dismatled for the past 6 months.
Georgia State Trooper:
[
during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't Saturday?
Buford T. Justice:
What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Sheriff Branford:
The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
Buford T. Justice:
The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
Buford T. Justice:
And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway.
[
begins to turn away, then returns]
Buford T. Justice:
Now, you can THINK about it... but don't do it!
[
after kicking one of the car thieves in the rear]
Buford T. Justice:
That's an attention-getter.
Junior:
My hat blew off, daddy.
Buford T. Justice:
I hope your goddamn head was in it.
Buford T. Justice:
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.
Junior:
Except for that...
Buford T. Justice:
Shut your ass.
Buford T. Justice:
Duck, or you're gonna be talkin' out yo ass!
Bandit:
Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.
Carrie:
You have a great profile.
Bandit:
Yeah, I do, don't I? Especially from the side.
Carrie:
Well, at least we agree on something.
Bandit:
Yeah. We both like half of my face.
Buford T. Justice:
You sum bitch. You did that on purpose. You're going away 'till you're gray. I got the evidence.
Bandit:
What the hell was that?
Carrie:
A left. Or a half a U.
Bandit:
Now, gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem.
Little Enos:
It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
Bandit:
Watch your language, little lady.
Little Enos:
I think you're just a little bit scared.
Bandit:
That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
Little Enos:
Your momma is so ugly...
Carrie:
I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.
Carrie:
Don't you ever take off that stupid hat?
Bandit:
I take my hat off for one thing, one thing only.
Carrie:
Oh...
[
beat]
Carrie:
Take your hat off.
[
Bandit looks stunned]
Carrie:
I mean, If you want to...
Bandit:
I want to.
Buford T. Justice:
Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!
Buford T. Justice:
[
shouting out of a restaurant to Junior waiting in the car] You want something?
Junior:
Hushpuppies, Daddy!
Buford T. Justice:
We got no time for that crap!
[
mutters under his breath]
Buford T. Justice:
Dumb sumbitch...
[
last lines]
Junior:
[
running after Sheriff Justice's car] Daddy! Wait! Who's gonna hold your hat?
Cledus Snow:
Whoa!
[
to Bandit over the CB]
Cledus Snow:
I just passed another Kojak with a Kodak, this place is crawling with bears, where the hell are you?
Bandit:
Snowman, you got your ears on?
Cledus Snow:
You lucky devil, you got him! Where the hell are you?
Cledus Snow:
[
whistles]
[
hears a police motorcycle siren]
Cledus Snow:
Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this!
Cledus Snow:
[
siren blares out of Bandit's CB] You know who that is? That's Mr. Evil Knievel. He snuck in my back door, son, when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme' a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission!
Bandit:
Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!
Cledus Snow:
[
Buford's car runs in front of Cledus' truck]
[
to bandit over the CB]
Cledus Snow:
Hoss, you ain't gonna believe this, but that cray sombitch just tried to drive right up under my truck!
Bandit:
You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?
Buford T. Justice:
You bet your ass on that, boy.
Carrie:
Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.
Bandit:
And?
Carrie:
One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
Bandit:
Well, at least he kept it in the family.
Bandit:
Cledus, get the money.
Cledus Snow:
Yeah, how 'bout the money?
Little Enos:
How 'bout double or nothin'?
Cledus Snow:
How 'bout forgettin' it?
Bandit:
Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?
Little Enos:
You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.
Carrie:
You're on.
Bandit:
Uh, you're on.
Big Enos:
In 18 hours?
Bandit:
You're still on.
Cledus Snow:
WHAT? You're *crazy*! And I'm *divorced*!
[
Communicating through the C.B. radio]
Bandit:
Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
Buford T. Justice:
Who there?
Bandit:
This is Bandit Darville talkin'.
Buford T. Justice:
Where are you, you sombitch?
Bandit:
Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
Buford T. Justice:
Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?
Bandit:
What do you think they do for excitement in this town?
Cledus Snow:
Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.
Cledus Snow:
Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.
Bandit:
Um, shitty job.
Cledus Snow:
Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty eight hours? That ain't never been done before.
Bandit:
That's cause *we* ain't never done it.
Cledus Snow:
Suppose we don't make it?
Bandit:
Hey, we ain't never not made it before, have we?
Bandit:
New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck.
[
watches as Little Enos begins counting out money]
Bandit:
Speedy car.
[
watches as Little Enos counts out more money]
Bandit:
Speedier than that.
Little Enos:
[
mumbling] I'd like to kick his ass just once.
Bandit:
[
walks up the steps to Cletus's house, where his wife, whose hair is in huge curlers, is standing in the doorway] Well, well, well, hello, Beautiful.
[
she stares at him with a stern look on her face]
Bandit:
How about 'Gorgeous?'
Waynette Snow:
You can't have him.
Bandit:
Well, obviously, *you* can.
[
indicates the gaggle of kids]
Bandit:
What are you tryin' to do, start another race?
[
pushes past her and into the house]
Waynette Snow:
Look, you got Cledus in jail once! Leave us alone!
One of the Snow kids:
[
climbs on Bandit's back] Hi, Uncle Bandit!
Waynette Snow:
He ain't your damned uncle!
[
steps on the dog, who whimpers]
Waynette Snow:
One of you damned kids, get this dog out of here!
[
Bandit keeps walking toward the bedroom, where Cletus is sleeping]
Waynette Snow:
Dammit, Bandit, *look at me!*
Bandit:
[
stops and turns wearily] I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.
[
Bandit has just used a broken bridge to jump a river]
Carrie:
That was great! I want to jump something else! I want to jump a car, or a house, anything!
Bandit:
[
still shaking] Then jump me!
Georgia State Trooper:
[
during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't saturday?
Cledus Snow:
Bandit, what are we gonna do about all this beer we took?
Bandit:
[
running to his car] Leave them a note and tell them to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.
Cledus Snow:
[
writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; B, B-r, B-u-r...
[
sees Bandit take off]
Cledus Snow:
Hell, I got to go!
[
leaves without finishing note]
Carrie:
Would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?
Bandit:
[
looking] Yes it would... He was taking a 10-100
Carrie:
Better than a 10-*2*00
[
both laugh]
Cledus Snow:
I don't think my dog bit you, mister. 'Cause Fred definately DON'T like grease!
Bandit:
Sheriff... do the letters F.O mean anything to you?
Buford T. Justice:
[
putting C.B down] Sma't Alec!
Bandit:
You chasin' somebody Sheriff? Somebody chasin' you?
Buford T. Justice:
Nobody's chasin' me, boy!
Bandit:
For the good old American lifestyle: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.
Buford T. Justice:
One shit at a time!
Buford T. Justice:
Do what I say you pile a' monkey nuts!
Cledus Snow:
You can't drive a fork lift.
Bandit:
I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Buford T. Justice:
Breaker, breaker for the Bandit.
Bandit:
Come on back, breaker.
Buford T. Justice:
You got trouble comin'. Big trouble.
Bandit:
Well, what's your handle son and what's your 20?
Buford T. Justice:
My handle is Smokey Bear and I'm tail grabbin' your ass right now!
Cledus Snow:
[
over CB about Carrie's dress] Hey, is she wearing a
[
pause]
Cledus Snow:
*wedding dress*?
Bandit:
[
Carrie throws dress out of the car since she has changed into jeans and a shirt] She was.
Cledus Snow:
What's she wearing now? Come back. Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that girl's got on. Her mind!
[
laughs Earthily]
Cledus Snow:
10-4.
Cledus Snow:
Hey Bandit. Me an' Fred got a question.
Bandit:
What you an' Fred want?
Cledus Snow:
How come we's doin' this?
Bandit:
Why d'you ask?
Cledus Snow:
Well they said it ain't never been done before.
Bandit:
W'hell thats the reason, son.
Cledus Snow:
[
shrugs] That's good with Fred.
Bandit:
[
laughing] Ten-four
Cledus Snow:
[
to Fred, his hound] He about as crazy as you are ugly!
Bandit:
Hold on, Now just wait a minute - why do you need all that beer for?
Little Enos:
Because he's thirsty, dummy!
Big Enos:
Twenty to one I break the son of a bitch this time.
Little Enos:
Gimme five-hundred on the Bandit.
Little Beaver, Lady Truck Driver:
Hey Bandit! This is Little Beaver... Put your foot to the floor, we got your backdoor and I'm clear!
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver:
Is this Bandit? This is Mr B., gearjammin' this rollin' refinery. You got a smokey?
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver:
Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek.
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver:
The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home.
Big Enos:
Any fool who would paint his truck like this would show up at a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
Junior:
Daddy, the top came off!
Buford T. Justice:
No shit!
Carrie:
[
after being given the handle of "Frog" by Bandit] Why?
Bandit:
Because you're always hopping around. And kinda you're cute, like a frog. And I wanna jump ya.
Cledus Snow:
Sum'bitch must've sneaked through my backdoor when I wasn't lookin'.
Bandit:
What's a Texas cop doing in Arkansas?
Cledus Snow:
I don't know.
Carrie:
I don't know.
[
Bandit looks at her]
Carrie:
I don't know!
Bandit:
[
on the CB] Well then who the hell knows?
Cledus Snow:
I really don't know.
Related Links
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