- Mr. David: Yes folks, this isn't any cheap X-rated movie or any 5th rate porno play, this is the show you want! Lady Divine's cavalcade of perversions, the sleaziest show on earth! Not actors, not paid impostors, but real actual filth who have been carefully screened in order to present to you the most flagrant violation of natural law known to man! These assorted sluts, fags, dykes and pimps know no bounds! They have committed acts against God and nature, acts that by their mere existence would make any decent person recoil in disgust!
- Lady Divine: It was then that I realized that she was using her rosary as a tool of erotic pleasure! She made me get into a kneeling position. My head was spinning. And all at once, she inserted her rosary into one of my most private parts!
- Mink: Oh, Jesus, you're my first celebrity I ever gave a rosary job to! And at St. Cecilia's, oh, wow, imagine!
- Audience member: She's a dyke! Look at those tattoos.
- Bonnie: Oh Mr. David, this is even better than amyl nitrate. It's better than Carbona. It's even better than heroin! Oh Jesus, this is even better than last time! if only we could perform acts 24 hours a day! Oh, that would be supreme happiness.
- Lady Divine: How dare you contaminate my dressing room with this little piece of filth!
- Mr. David: She is not! She's an auto-erotic coprophiliac and a gerontophiliac and I just thought you might be interested in her for the show, that's all.
- Bonnie: Yes and I can start immediately. I have this great act all worked out, with this great old man in his late 70s and his mirror, well, actually he's my...
- Lady Divine: [in disgust] Oh!
- Bonnie: ...and we used to have kind of a thing together, and I heard about this show and I thought what an ideal setup, I mean!
- Lady Divine: Get her out! Get her out of here! How can you flaunt your cheap little one-night-stands in my face, especially at a time like this?
- Bonnie: No one has been near my private parts... except for this old lady I met on the bus.
- Mr. David: You've been lying all along.
- Bonnie: Oh, no, no I haven't Mr. David. It was just she was so old I felt bad for her. I only let her... well, you know. It was no big production or anything, it WAS on the bus and all.
- Lady Divine: [in church, trying to pray, notices Mink] She coughs, as if to attract my attention towards her, and gave me a lewdly religious glare!
- Lady Divine: [to mirror] And you're still the most beautiful woman in the world! Nothing can change that!
- Lady Divine: How about you, Mr. Angel? How about your being an accomplice and how about Sharon Tate! How about that!
- Mr. David: I told you to never to mention that again! Jesus! I don't remember anything about that. I do not remember it and I will not after you mentioning it.
- Lady Divine: Well, I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten. Had yourself a real ball that night, didn't you?
- Mr. David: Stop it!
- Lady Divine: Yes sir, a regular little orgy.
- Mr. David: You were there!
- Lady Divine: Ah, but I didn't do what You did. P-I-G! You're going to jail. If I go to jail, it'll be for other things, and if I go to jail, I just might start remembering. That's why I'm holding you responsible for what happens to me. Because if I start rememberin', honey, I just might crack that Tate case for 'em. What have I got to lose?
- Lady Divine: Oh, think of it, Mink. We can perform extreme unction nationwide - Ronald Reagan and his family, the entire Baltimore Police Department, and BARBRA STREISAND!
- Mink: I usually sleep in churches, you know, in the confessionals. They lock all the churches up at night now because of all the thieves and they never check the confessionals. Saturday nights are the only problem, and nights that are holy days because of early masses the next day. And Lent, shit, forget it, I gotta hang in synagogues then, and it's just not the same thing if you know what I mean.
- Lady Divine: And how about you, Mr. Angel? How about your being an accomplice and how about Sharon Tate? How about that?
- Mr. David: [putting his head in his hands] I told you to never mention that again!
- Lady Divine: Oh, but I don't even know your name!
- Mink: It's Mink, but lots of people just call me The Religious Whore.
- Mr. David: So you finally turned dyke, well, I'm not surprised!
- Lady Divine: DYKE? Look who's talking, all peroxided up!
- Mink: Isn't there anybody else we could do it on? I mean...
- Lady Divine: There's nobody left! Nobody!
- Mink: We could find someone!
- Lady Divine: Who, but who?
- Mink: God, there are hundreds of people I have in my fantasies! Ann-Margret, Patricia Nixon, Shirley Temple, the Pope!
- Lady Divine: Oh Mink, we could go on for days! Oh it would be wonderful! Ronald Reagan and his family, the entire Baltimore police force, and BARBARA STREISAND!
- Mr. David: Come on in folks! 'Cause its about ready to begin. Lady Divine's Cavalcade of Perversions. You can still see the complete show. What you will see inside of the is tent will make you literally sick. We got it all and we show it all! Right inside. Hurry on in, folks. Because there's not much time left to see the complete show. We got it all and it's all about to be seen. You will witness the actual slut sessions of a pornographer and his slut of a girlfriend as she in all of her naked depravity exposes her sacred reproductive organs to the ever probing eye of the flash camera.
- Cookie Divine: You know, I think a pig actually did see us. Because we laid there for awhile afterwards, And then when we got up to leave, I looked over at this police car and I saw a couple of pigs and his buddies sittin' there lookin' real horny.
- Lady Divine: Go fix yourself a sandwich!
- Ricky: Is there any bologna in there?
- Lady Divine: And some cheese. Anything you want, just, you know, go ahead and fix yourself a sandwich!
- Mr. David: Come on. You'll see two actual queers kissing each other like lovers on the lips. These are actual queers!
- Lady Divine: Its comforting to know that the Weatherman's out there doing his job. We got to stick up for our kind. I wish I could be that political, but, I'm so involved with the show. But, I guess, that's doing my part.
- Lady Divine: You're talkin' to a Lady! You better watch your language, pig, or I'll turn you into a piece of bacon.
- Mink: I don't like people calling me a dyke. Especially when its obvious you have extremely perverted tastes to yourself.
- Bonnie: Mr. David, I can only take so much of this kind of talk. Especially from a common lesbian.
- Mink: A common lesbian? Well, my dear, at least I'm not a bleach blonde hussy that goes around screwing unhired gigolos.
- Mr. David: Quiet! Remember, you are speaking to someone who's miles above your element.
- Lady Divine: He called us lesbians, that pig!
- Mink: Cops are always hustling me. Just cause I'm pretty they think I'm a whore. But, as far as being gay, how long have you been a lesbian?
- Lady Divine: Gay? Well, I'm no lesbian. At least, not until a little while ago, anyway. You're the first female I ever did anything with.
- Mink: Well, I'm glad I was the one. Would your boyfriend be mad?
- Lady Divine: Well, who knows what that moron will think?
- Cookie Divine: Steve, here, we just kind of run into each other.
- Steve (Cookie's boyfriend): Yeah, like it was really weird. This tear gas had gone off and me and this other cat ran after this port that we had been watching. Cookie came over with this vaseline faces.
- Cookie Divine: And then we ran down to this bunch of bushes, next to the Justice Department. I smeared vaseline all over our faces.
- Steve (Cookie's boyfriend): And wet handkerchiefs on our mouths.
- Cookie Divine: Then we just laid there and made love.
- Steve (Cookie's boyfriend): Then fucked.
- Cookie Divine: And it was really strange because we were blinded by the tear gas. And all the pigs were runnin' and people were yellin'. Freaks were throwin' bottles.
- Steve (Cookie's boyfriend): Yeah, like we were really fucked up.
- Lady Divine: Jesus is then taken by the guards and stripped of his garments by these cruel soldiers. No torture is too hideous to them. They beat him with chains and whips for hours on end, until his flesh is lashed and streaked with blood. And all this time, Jesus could have used his power to free himself from this torture. But, the torture was part of the sacrifice he gave for all men. A sacrifice that will always be remembered as long as mankind survives. Oh, Saint Ursula. Oh, Saint Philip. Oh, Saint Catherine of Siena. Oh, Saint Bernadette. By this time, I picked up a strong sexual vibration from the lady behind me and I felt it was only proper to move away. It seemed nothing would make her stop. Not personally enjoying sexual encounters with members of the same sex, I made every possible move to discourage her. She seemed so sure of herself. Something that I naturally admire in people since I have, in a sense, the same and strong characteristic in myself. Although lesbianism has never really appealed to me. There was still a aura about her that attracted me to her. Even in awe of my distaste for such perversion. After carefully considering it, I decided to accept the infinite power itself that brought me to this church, I should, more or less, let fate have its way. I felt that if I cooperated with this mysterious woman, I could somehow benefit spiritually from the experience. Little did I know, what she had in mind. I felt her hand reach down and touch my legs, not at all casually, and I realized it was too late for social introduction. This lady had a grip on me that even *now* I find it hard to describe. She kissed me as if Christ himself had ordered every move of her experienced tongue. It was suddenly, I was suddenly uncomfortable, and although she had only said seven words to me, these words proved to be the keys to the most satisfying sexual experience of my entire life.
- Mink: Reconnect the stations of the cross. Reconnect the stations of the cross. Reconnect the stations of the cross!
- Lady Divine: It was then that I realized she was using her rosary as tool of erotic pleasure! Oh, Oh, she made me get to a kneeling position. Oh, Oh, my head was spinning. And all at once, she inserts her rosary into one of my most private parts. Oh, oh! Oh, oh! Oh, oh! Oh, Oh!
- Bonnie: Hurry, Mr. David. Because I want to perform acts with you more than anything in this whole wide world! And it makes me sad to hear you being so upset because of that Lady Divine. She's not a very friendly person. But, I gotta admit she sure is beautiful and glamorous. But, I bet she couldn't do some of the things that we can do.
- Lady Divine: How dare you contaminate my dressing room with this little piece of filth?
- Mr. David: She is not. She is an auto-erotica copraphrasiac and a gerontophiliac, and I just thought you might be interested in her for the show, that's all.
- Lady Divine: If it wasn't for me you'd still be back in Boston doing poodle-nappings from those old bitches.