[
I.C.E. agents are receiving instruction on the latest equipment]
Female Instructor:
[
holding ray gun] This little gadget here dissolves metal electronically. Easy to conceal, extremely effective in times of danger.
[
She points the gun and dissolves the belt buckle off a clothed mannequin. His pants fall to the ground]
First female student:
That's when the danger usually starts!
Second female student:
[
seductively] I like my way better!
[
Matt is shown a new weapon which gives a whole new meaning to the term "bullet bra"]
Linda:
It's not a gun, Mr. Helm. It's the new weapon they gave me, developed right here in our labs.
Matt Helm:
Developed pretty well, too!
Linda:
May I point out...
Matt Helm:
You already do!
Linda:
...that that's why you're here. To become familiar with our latest equipment.
Matt Helm:
You right. An agent should always keep *abreast* of the times!
[
Matt and Sheila are hiding on a mountain-top]
Matt Helm:
We have a long wait ahead of us, so let's get comfortable.
[
lies down on his back]
Sheila Sommers:
[
lying down on top of Matt] How comfortable?
Matt Helm:
It's broad daylight!
Sheila Sommers:
What's the matter with a broad in the daylight?
Jose Ortega:
[
toasting] Cheers!
Francesca Madeiros:
[
also toasting] Skol!
Matt Helm:
Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.
[
a new female recruit gets turned on by Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" playing in the background]
Matt Helm:
You really like Perry Como that much?
Francesca Madeiros:
How about a good luck kiss?
Matt Helm:
Well, I am superstitious myself.
MacDonald:
Have you ever seen a flying saucer?
Matt Helm:
Is that your way of offering me a drink?
MacDonald:
If this works, the planets are next door. And the universe is just around the corner.
Courier Slaygirl:
Long distance call for you, Mr. Helm. Hop aboard.
Courier Slaygirl:
[
Matt sits himself down on the back of her scooter] I go pretty fast. Better find something to hang on to.
Matt Helm:
[
Matt knowingly looks at the camera] Crazy.
MacDonald:
[
referring to Sheila Sommers] She won't let a man get near her. But, eh, that's never stopped you before.
Quintana:
This is our light beer. Care for a taste?
Matt Helm:
Oh, I never touch the stuff. Except when I'm working.
Matt Helm:
Where are you from?
Francesca Madeiros:
The bar.
Matt Helm:
The bar...
[
laughs]
Matt Helm:
I got relatives there.
Matt Helm:
[
passing each other] Hi!
Francesca Madeiros:
A little.
Matt Helm:
You drugged me!
Francesca Madeiros:
Just in case.
Matt Helm:
[
getting drowsy] How did you do that?
Francesca Madeiros:
Oh, do you like my lipstick, darling? It's a special brand. There's a chemical that penetrates the skin.
Matt Helm:
How 'bout your skin?
Francesca Madeiros:
I just took the antidote.
[
indicating the glass in her hand]
Sheila Sommers:
[
pointing a gun at Francesca who is hunched over Matt Helm lying on her bed] Hold it right there.
Francesca Madeiros:
Where?
Sheila Sommers:
[
referring to Francesca] You don't trust her, do you?
Matt Helm:
I don't trust any woman.
Matt Helm:
[
during gunfight] Now I know we're partners. We're trying to kill each other.
Quintana:
[
struggling to stay afloat in a settling vat] I can't swim!
Matt Helm:
Drink yourself to the bottom.
Matt Helm:
[
referring to Francesca] Don't say it. You may hate her guts, but she's a pro.
Sheila Sommers:
Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.
Matt Helm:
Come on, Auntie.
Sheila Sommers:
Suspenders and a belt?
Matt Helm:
Yeah, I have trouble keeping my pants up.
Matt Helm:
[
to Nassim] May a thousand tigers break every bone in your body.
Jose Ortega:
Just this morning I concluded an arrangement with an Oriental gentleman who's... name I cannot pronounce... for a rather large sum which happily I can pronounce.
Matt Helm:
What I always wanted, a magic bartender.
Member of firing squad:
Silence!
Matt Helm:
I believe the expression is, eh, 'Silence, Yankee dog', eh?
Matt Helm:
[
the guard does not answer] 'Yankee pig'?
Matt Helm:
Let Helm put you in the driving seat.
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