Photos
Quotes
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Miles Gloriosus : Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!
Pseudolus : Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?
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[Examining a wine bottle]
Pseudolus : Was 1 a good year?
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Pseudolus : An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!
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Pseudolus : Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.
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Miles Gloriosus : What is she like?
Pseudolus : A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!
Miles Gloriosus : As magnificent as that?
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Miles Gloriosus : I cannot afford to offend the gods.
Pseudolus : Who can?
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Pseudolus : I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.
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Pseudolus : We'll need a body. Anybody's body.
Hysterium : Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?
Pseudolus : He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.
Hysterium : Uh - what about HIS body?
Pseudolus : Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?
[He covers his eyes with his hand]
Hysterium : [sadly] I wish *I* was.
[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]
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Miles Gloriosus : [about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.
Pseudolus : Of course!
[kisses him]
Miles Gloriosus : Not you!
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Pseudolus : [talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!
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Pseudolus : [to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!
Miles Gloriosus : [notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!
Pseudolus : [suddenly filled with dread] It's time.
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Lycus : She was sold just this morning.
Hero : Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
[tries to stab himself and misses]
Pseudolus : [takes the blade] Behave yourself!
Lycus : [resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.
Hero : Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
[takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]
Pseudolus : Put your bosom away!
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Pseudolus : [He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.
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Pseudolus : [singing] Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight...
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Roman Sentry : Citizens, we caught your runaway slave. Now he dare challenge our right to execute him.
Pseudolus : Because I'm a family slave. Whats the good of belonging to a family if you're executed by strangers?
Domina : He is correct. We shall torture him.
Pseudolus : See how they look after their own?
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Hysterium : How dare you! Arranging an assignation between an innocent boy and a you-know-what!
Pseudolus : There's something about that you-know-what that you do not know what!
Hysterium : What do I know not what?
Pseudolus : That girl is my daughter.
Hysterium : Your what?
Pseudolus : My daughter. You've heard me speak of her.
Hysterium : Never!
Pseudolus : And I don't like to talk about her.
Hysterium : That girl is not your daughter.
Pseudolus : My sister?
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Pseudolus : Poor child, a virgin till the end. A lot of good it did you.
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Pseudolus : Our principle character live on this street, in a less fashionable suburb of Rome in these three houses. First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates!
Chorus : [sung] Something erratic, something dramatic, something for everyone a comedy tonight!
Pseudolus : Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women - that's for those of you who have absolutely no interest in pirates.
Lycus : Something for everyone!
Pseudolus : [sung] A comedy tonight!
Pseudolus : And finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son. Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son. Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece, a role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such versatility, such magnificent training, such... Let me put it this way - I play the part.
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Pseudolus : [first lines, sung] Something familiar, something peculiar, something for everyone, a comedy tonight! Something appealing, something appalling, something for everyone, a comedy tonight! Nothing with kings! Nothing with crowns! Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns! Old situations, new complications, nothing portentous or polite! Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!
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Pseudolus : If you see a lad with anything resembling mare sweat, send him up to the green bedroom immediately.
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Pseudolus : You just see to that hourglass and keep those sands from running out, and I'll be grateful to you as long as I live. If I live that long.
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Pseudolus : I am dazzled by your presence.
Miles Gloriosus : Everyone is.
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[last lines]
Pseudolus : [sung] Lovers divided, get coincided - something for everyone...
Hero , Philia : A comedy tonight!
Pseudolus : Father and mother, get one another.
Domina : Something for everyone...
Senex : [whispers] A tragedy tonight.
Miles Gloriosus : I get the twins, they get the best!
Erronius : I get a family...
Hysterium : I get a rest.
Soldiers : We get a few girls...
Lycus : I'll get some new girls.
Pseudolus : I get the thing I want to be...
Hero : [spoken] Free.
Pseudolus : Free!
Pseudolus , Hero , Philia , Domina , Senex , Miles Gloriosus , Erronius , Hysterium , Soldiers , Lycus : Free, free, free, free - Nothing for kings, nothing for crowns! Something for lovers, liars and clowns - What is the moral? Must be a moral. Here is the moral wrong or right - Morals tomorrow, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy - tonight!
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Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : [singing] Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Lycus : Cleaning up?
Senex : Leaning down,
Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Everybody ought to have a maid, Someone who'll be, Busy as a bumblebee, And even if you grumble, Be as graceful as a grouse,
Lycus : Wriggling in the anteroom!
Hysterium : Jiggling in the living room!
Pseudolus : Giggling in the dining room!
Senex : Wiggling in the other rooms!
Senex , Pseudolus , Hysterium , Lycus : Puttering all around the house!
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Pseudolus : Your new maid. We needed someone to help.
Senex : The new maid? She seems very loyal.
Pseudolus : Very courteous and very efficient and very thoughtful.
Senex : Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.
[singing]
Senex : Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a working girl, Everybody ought to have a lurking girl, To putter around the house, Everybody ought to have a maid, Everybody ought to have a menial, Consistently congenial, And quieter than a mouse, Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious, Tidying up the dishes, neat as a pin? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful, Sweeping out? Sleeping in...