The Ipcress File (1965)
Michael Caine: Harry Palmer
Photos
Quotes
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Palmer : The fellow whose job I'm taking, will he show me the ropes?
Major Dalby : Maybe - if you're in touch with the spirit world.
Palmer : I beg your pardon?
Major Dalby : He was shot this morning.
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Major Dalby : The next time you use CC1 authority, just you make sure you have it!
Palmer : You know, it's funny... If Radcliffe had been here, I'd have been... a hero.
Major Dalby : He wasn't. And you're not.
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Major Dalby : [at the armorers] Give him your gun. Issue him with a Colt .32.
Murray : [hands Palmer a revolver] Do you know how to use this?
Palmer : Colt .32? Yes. I'd sooner have my automatic...
Major Dalby : [sternly] You'll use the Colt.
Palmer : I'll use the Colt.
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Major Dalby : [of Palmer's dossier] It isn't usual to read a B107 to its subject, Palmer; but I'm gonna put you straight. "Insubordinate. Insolent. A trickster. Perhaps with criminal tendencies."
Palmer : Yes, that's a pretty fair appraisal - sir.
Major Dalby : Good. That last quality might be useful. But if I have any trouble with you, Palmer, I shall *bite* you, Palmer, and I shall bite you so hard you'll go right back to where Ross found you!
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[Palmer and Dalby are attending a performance of a military band playing Mozart]
Palmer : Very neat. Must we sit through any more of this torture? I've got a lot of things to do.
Major Dalby : I think they're playing very well.
Palmer : Tell me who wins.
[gets up and leaves]
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Colonel Ross : [after Palmer has shot Dalby] I was counting on you being an insubordinate bastard, Palmer.
Palmer : You used me as a decoy. I might have been killed or driven stark raving mad.
Colonel Ross : That's what you're paid for.
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[Palmer prepares to leave]
Inspector Keightley : Now wait a minute. What about her telephone number?
Palmer : Oh... Disconnected!
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Palmer : You didn't come here to talk to me about button mushrooms and birds.
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Palmer : [Inside the modern grocery store] I haven't seen you here before, sir.
Colonel Ross : No, well, I don't, um, really care for these American... shopping methods. One has to move with the times, I suppose, hmm?
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Colonel Ross : [telling Palmer about his upcoming transfer to Major Dalby's department] You won't have much time for cooking. Dalby *works* his men. And he doesn't have my sense of humor.
Palmer : [Said with a straight face] Yes, sir. I will miss that, sir.
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Inspector Keightley : That little blonde bird you was with the other evening...
Palmer : Rita?
Inspector Keightley : That's it. What's her phone number?
Palmer : You dirty old man!
Inspector Keightley : Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch hers.
Palmer : You ought to be locked up!
Inspector Keightley : I know.
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[Carswell is showing Palmer the title of a book]
Palmer : [reads] "Induction of Psychoneuroses by Conditioned Reflex Under Stress". What does that mean?
Carswell : It means I know now why 17 scientists ceased to function.
Palmer : Yes?
Carswell : Look again, boy...
Carswell : [points out the essential letters of the title] I-P-C-R-E-S-S.
Palmer : Ipcress!
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Palmer : [Reporting to Col. Ross's office] Sergeant Palmer, reporting as ordered.
Colonel Ross : Close the door... And don't slouch into my office like a pregnant camel. Stand to attention.
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Colonel Ross : [Inside a modern grocery store, picking up a can of mushrooms out of Palmer's shopping cart] "Champignons"... You're paying ten pence more for a fancy French label. If you want mushrooms, you'd get better value on the next shelf.
Palmer : It's not just the label. These *do* have a better flavor.
Colonel Ross : Of course... You're quite the gourmet, aren't you?
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First Agent : [Palmer is late in arriving for his surveillance shift] You should get up in the morning. Twenty minutes late you are, you know.
Palmer : Anything new?
First Agent : It's all in the report. And it's neat and tidy - unlike some. You ought to remember you're still in the Army, boyo
Palmer : I'll tell you what, you remember for me.
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Colonel Ross : You just love the army, don't you?
Palmer : Oh, yes, sir. I just love the army, sir.
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Courtney : You were bailed out of detention barracks.
Palmer : Yes, I was.
Courtney : So, What bailed you in?
Palmer : Er... I was stationed in Berlin and I was making rather a lot of money out of the German army, and they insisted that the British army made an example of me.
Courtney : What did you do?
Palmer : It's very complicated.
Courtney : It impressed Ross.
Palmer : It impressed me. Boy, has he got me by the short hairs for it. Still, it's better than two years in the nick. The food's terrible.
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Colonel Ross : I want you to do a job for me.
Palmer : Have I any choice?
Colonel Ross : Frankly, no.
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Major Dalby : Spare us the jokes, Palmer, I don't have Colonel Ross's sense of humour.
Palmer : Yes, I will miss that, sir.
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Palmer : Stick *that* in my B-107.
Colonel Ross : Very funny.
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Major Dalby : A word in your shell-like ear: If there's anything to be reported to Ross, *I* report it. Understand?
Palmer : Yes, sir.