The Great Race (1965)
Peter Falk: Maximilian Meen
Photos
Quotes
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Professor Fate : Are you sure you took care of everything?
Max : Just keep your eye on car number 2.
[car number 2 loses its steering wheel, and it spins through the crowd before crashing into a store]
Max : Now, at approximately the 50-mile mark, car number 3, it loses its transmission.
Professor Fate : Ha ha ha, transmission!
[at the 50-mile mark, the transmission drops out of car number 3]
Max : And in about five seconds, car number 4 bites the dust.
Professor Fate : Perfect! Ha ha ha!
[gears spring loose from all sides of car number 4, forcing it to a stop]
Professor Fate : Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?
Max : Car number 5, the engine falls out!
Professor Fate : Car number 5! Ha ha ha ha!
[beat]
Professor Fate : Er, Max... *we're* number five.
[the engine falls out of car number 5]
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Max : Rise and shine, Professor.
Professor Fate : You rise! You shine!
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Professor Fate : [having beaten Leslie] I am king! I am the king!
[sees Leslie and Maggie kissing]
Professor Fate : No, I'm not!
Max : What?
Professor Fate : I didn't beat him, he let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way, MY way! He let me win!
[angrily climbs on Leslie's car]
Professor Fate : You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!
[crowd cheers]
Leslie : Get off my hood!
Professor Fate : Another race!
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[On a melting iceberg]
Max : We gotta do something.
Professor Fate : Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.
Max : Yeah? What?
Professor Fate : We're gonna starve!
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Max : Red sky. Gonna be a storm.
Professor Fate : What are you babbling about?
Max : Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.
Professor Fate : Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?
Max : No, what?
Professor Fate : Hundred to one.
[a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]
Max : Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!
Professor Fate : Why you idiot!
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Cowboy : He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!
Professor Fate : Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?
Cowboy : WHO'S TEXAS JACK?
Professor Fate : Who?
Cowboy : The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!
Professor Fate : Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.
Max : Terrific...
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Professor Fate : What is the word for "friends"?
Maggie DuBois : Professor...
Professor Fate : Shut up!
Max : I don't know the language.
Professor Fate : Well, get the dictionary!
Max : Dictionary. Right.
[Max flips through the pages]
Max : I got it, I got it.
Professor Fate : What is it, what is it?
Max : [frowns] I can't pronounce it.
[Fate grabs the dictionary]
Professor Fate : Very simple. Dru... Druz...
Maggie DuBois : Druzya.
Professor Fate : Druzya...
[Fate and Max stare at Maggie]
Maggie DuBois : I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.
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Max : [stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm] Professor, where are you?
Professor Fate : Behind the rock!
Max : Behind which rock?
[trips over Professor Fate]
Professor Fate : This rock, you idiot!
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Max : [sees Fate's bandaged hands] Would you like me to feed you?
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[Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers]
Max : You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.
Professor Fate : Obviously, they don't know who I am.
[Fate stands up]
Professor Fate : I AM PROFESSOR FATE!
[the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat]
Max : Wanna try the beads?
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Professor Fate : The world is mine!
Max : The world is ours!
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Professor Fate : [inside Professor Fate's mansion garage - stirring music] It's ready.
Max : Yes, yes it's ready.
Professor Fate : There has never been anything like this.
Max : Professor. Your greatest creation.
Professor Fate : GENIUS! Work of genius. The finest parts from the greatest automobiles in the world. The 'Hannibal Twin Eight'. Ha-ha. And when it comes to the blizzards and the snow storms we will continue on just as planned. Push the button Max!
Max : [gets in car and pushes button - soon front mounted red cone starts humming and glowing]
Professor Fate : [maniacal laughter, touches cone] Yeaa! When the rains come and the snow melts we will continue to raise above it.
[enters car]
Professor Fate : Push the button Max!
Max : [pushes button and car body starts to rise]
Professor Fate : [lots more maniacal laughter] Ah, nature will chase us, we will beat her and the brigands, thieves, cutthroats of all nations may hound us, but, we are ready for them
[cannon appears]
Professor Fate : We will blast them to kingdom come.
Professor Fate , Max : [maniacal laughter]
Professor Fate : We can mount! We can blast! We can rise above! We are invincible!
[maniacal laughter]
Professor Fate : Take us down.
[maniacal laughter]
Professor Fate : Eh, push the button Max.
Max : [with a great flourish pushes button - the cannon fires bringing down the garage]
Professor Fate : [scream of rage] Maaaaaaaaaaax!
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Max : Here come the Marines!
