- Richard Bramwell: Well you know the mentality of that Board, they're hooked on the idea of corporate image; solid American gentry, family respectability. For their top executives there are not Ten Commandments, only one: thou shalt be married - happily and respectably married...
- Carter Harrison: ...Whether you like it or not
- Richard Bramwell: That's right!
- Carter Harrison: Well I've done just fine, these past seven years, happily and respectably, separated. And I've loved every minute of it
- Richard Bramwell: Yeah, well, that's all gonna change. From now on you're going to have a new look. No more gay married bachelor, you've got to be Carter Harrison, family man
- Carter Harrison: You are out of your skull!
- Richard Bramwell: Carter, when that Board meets in Boston, you can be Yankee Doodle riding to town on a solid gold pony... income in six figures, a private plane, your own yacht, a house in Palm Beach - it's yours. All you need to do is show up in Boston, the week after next with one reasonably respectable wife
- Carter Harrison: Forget it!
- Richard Bramwell: What did you, uh, go around marrying gorgeous fruitcakes for in the first place?
- Carter Harrison: I don't know. It was a cold night. She had an electric blanket.
- Toni Vincente: But Harry's sweet.
- Carter Harrison: Sweet? Hah!
- Toni Vincente: He's nice to have around. He's big and strong and sweet.
- Carter Harrison: So's a sheep dog, but you wouldn't marry one.
- Toni Vincente: But, darling. It's time I had children. And Harry would make a wonderful father.
- Carter Harrison: If we weren't such idiots, we would've had children years ago.
- Toni Vincente: We weren't ready.
- Carter Harrison: We are now, aren't we?
- Toni Vincente: Real ready.
- Carter Harrison: He'll be beautiful.
- Toni Vincente: So will she.
- Toni Vincente: The two men before you were slaughtered in cold blood.
- Carter Harrison: I know, poor devils. But don't worry - third time's a charm.
- Carter Harrison: You don't know what kind of a nut I was married to.
- Richard Bramwell: No, no, I don't. What kind of a nut was she?
- Carter Harrison: She was a half Italian fruitcake, that's what she was.
- Richard Bramwell: Oh, that doesn't sound too bad. What was the other half?
- Carter Harrison: Gorgeous.
- Toni Vincente: Petracini happens to be the world's leading expressionist sculptor. He does wonderful things with a blow torch.
- Carter Harrison: To whom?
- Carter Harrison: [to Harry] You keep your big nose out of this.
- Harry Jones: The same charm. The same sophisticated wit.
- Carter Harrison: Oh, butt out!
- Harry Jones: And getting sharper all the time.
- Toni Vincente: My father was a martyr to humanity.
- Carter Harrison: Some martyr. He got drunk and fell off a wall.
- Carter Harrison: May I borrow your umbrella?
- Toni Vincente: Yes.
- [as he walks off with the umbrella open, a large painted slogan across it reads, "Save Our Unwed Mothers."]
- Toni Vincente: [to Carter] You are the most barbaric, bothersome, boring, bourgeois, b, b, b,..
- Harry Jones: Bore?
- Toni Vincente: ...bore I ever met.
- Richard Bramwell: Look, if you wanna commit suicide, use my razor. It's electric, but you can hang yourself on the cord.
- Carter Harrison: [to Harry] I'll thank you to keep your food-stained beard out of my affairs... and my eggs.
- Carter Harrison: You may not realize it, but there are other people in this world beside Italians.
- Toni Vincente: But who needs them?
- Carter Harrison: If you saw six people waiting in line for a bus you'd join 'em because you thought they were picketing something.
- Richard Bramwell: You know, for a fellow who's only going to, uh, discuss his divorce with a half-Italian fruitcake in over-tight blue jeans, you're looking and smelling awfully pretty.
- Carter Harrison: What's wrong with my image? You make it sound like I've just been named leper of the year.
- Carter Harrison: Um, I suppose an artist used to live here.
- Toni Vincente: Yes, he was quite famous. He died.
- Carter Harrison: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Toni Vincente: He was 98.
- Carter Harrison: Oh, well.
- Carter Harrison: [to Toni] I hate to fight and run like this, but I leave happy in the thought that fertility control in backward nations is in such fertile and backward hands.
- Harry Jones: Did a lady just run out of here?
- Assistant Mortician: Oh, no sir. Once they're in, they're inclined to stay.
- Carter Harrison: [Not knowing he's talking to a mortician] It was all my fault, and before I had a chance to explain, she left a note and was gone - just like that.
- Assistant Mortician: Well, that's life sir, isn't it? Here one moment, gone the next.
- Richard Bramwell: [Impersonating a U.S. Embassy security officer, brings Carter some protective gear for the dangerous mission he's going on] Oh, and uh, finally, your uh, your uh, LRP
- [He hands Carter a large pill]
- Carter Harrison: What?
- Richard Bramwell: A Last Resort Pill.
- Carter Harrison: Last Resort Pill?
- Richard Bramwell: Yes - they're marvelous. Absolutely reliable. Quicker than cyanide and only a teensy bit more painful.
- Carter Harrison: Do I take it with water?
- Richard Bramwell: Oh, no. Never take the water out there - deadly, deadly.
- Richard Bramwell: Boy, you really did marry a nut.
- Carter Harrison: A nut? I married a whole plantation.
- Carter Harrison: She'd never leave with me - not with the Lady Godiva thing. She'd suspect something immediately. And that's precisely what that bearded vulture's waiting for.
- Richard Bramwell: She wears a beard?
- Carter Harrison: No, she doesn't wear a beard. I have other enemies in this thing.
- Magistrate: [Concluding the court hearing] Thank you, Mr. Harrison. I hope you get her back... if that's what you want.
- Julius L. Stevens: It's not his father, you idiot. It's hers.
- Richard Bramwell: I know, but they were very close.
- Julius L. Stevens: [They see Toni in her flesh suit and long blond wig posing as Lady Godiva, and Carter pulling her off her horse] What in the world is she doing here? I thought her father was dying.
- Richard Bramwell: She goes berserk with sorrow.
- Carter Harrison: Let me get this straight. You're picketing the American embassy in London in order to keep fig leaves off of lewd Italian horses in Washington, D.C.?
- Toni Vincente: It's not the fig leaves, it's the principle.
- Julius L. Stevens: Did she say poison darts?
- Richard Bramwell: An explorer, J.L. One of those crazy Italians. Climb anything.
- Mrs. Stevens: It'll all turn out for the best.
- Toni Vincente: You think so, with blackwater fever, poison darts and plague?
- Julius L. Stevens: Oh, dear, he has had a time of it, hasn't he?
- Toni Vincente: Has had?
- Carter Harrison: Um, now dear, we promised we weren't going to mention it again, didn't we? And we really must go.
- Richard Bramwell: [Impersonating a U.S. embassy security officer] Oh, uh, and uh, speaking of shots. You'll receive your inoculations en route - malaria, diphtheria, blackwater fever, leprosy and plague.
- Richard Bramwell: Are you sure it's me you want?
- Harry Jones: [Posing as a British Intelligence agent] Then I'm not here at all. So, we should level, right?
- Toni Vincente: Everything you said in the cab is true. We must find out if we can live together. We can't keep muddying up the issue with chemistry and our primeval animal appetites.
- Carter Harrison: I must say, she didn't seem very surprised. Does she usually walk in and find strange men in your bed?
- Toni Vincente: Every morning. She validates their parking ticket.