15 Guilty Pleasures of The Horror Film
Films so bad they're brilliant, or perhaps a well-intended misfire, or even quite good films that I find unintentionally funny. Even the great horror actors have occasionally messed up their CV's. I have a genuine affection for all the films below!
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- DirectorAlan GibsonStarsChristopher LeePeter CushingStephanie BeachamIn 1972 London - a century after his final battle with Professor Van Helsing - Count Dracula is resurrected by occultist Johnny Alucard, and goes after his archenemy's descendants."By the six thousand terrors of hell!" "Dig the music....Kids!" This is a film with a bunch of 35 year old actors portraying teenagers in the swinging 70s. Christopher Lee looks like he'd rather be down a coal mine, the London Steak House appears in the opening credits to add to the gothic atmosphere, Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) walks past West Ham graffito on his way to confront Dracula and features the worst band in history playing at a party. "It was a tired scene, Joe." You just gotta love this terrible movie! I'd pay real money if someone would kill the Richard O'Sullivan clone in the monk's habit....
- DirectorWilliam CastleStarsVincent PriceJudith EvelynDarryl HickmanAn obsessed pathologist discovers and captures a parasitic creature that grows when fear grips its host.You have to feel sorry for Vincent Price. He gives the first screen example of an LSD trip, obviously without a clue as to its effects. He comes second in the all-time movie star gurning championships, edged out only by Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
- DirectorSam NewfieldStarsJohnny DownsGeorge ZuccoAnne NagelA mad scientist changes his simple-minded handyman into a werewolf in order to prove his supposedly crazy scientific theories - and exact revenge.George Zucco trying to create an army of invincible werewolves to win World War II. You did not imagine the previous sentence....
- DirectorRoy Ward BakerStarsChristopher LeeDennis WatermanJenny HanleyA young man is murdered while spending the night at Count Dracula's castle, prompting his brother to come to the small town where all the traces end to look for him.Poor Lee again. Saddled with Lego Castle Dracula sets, a stunt man in a Christopher Lee mask who goes up in flames near the end, Patrick Troughton in comedy Dave Allen make-up as his henchman, Michael Ripper's ingenious attempt to get into the castle "Open up, I've got something here for you." (It works!), an annoying Robin Askwith-type who sleeps with his vampire companion while wearing Marks And Spencers undies, and Denis Waterman trying to speak posh. Hilarious....
- DirectorFrancis Ford CoppolaStarsGary OldmanWinona RyderAnthony HopkinsThe centuries old vampire Count Dracula comes to England to seduce his barrister Jonathan Harker's fiancée Mina Murray and inflict havoc in the foreign land.The poor old Count again. Keanu Reeves' marvellous impression of an English gentleman, second only to Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins as the worst English accent ever. The Count himself with a 50 foot long train on his coat and a comedy bunch of vampire hunters lead by Anthony Hopkins. Great stuff!
- DirectorStephen SommersStarsHugh JackmanKate BeckinsaleRichard RoxburghThe famed monster hunter is sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula, who is using Dr. Frankenstein's research and a werewolf for nefarious purposes.Our intrepid hero takes on Frankenstein's monster, Dracula (again!) and the Wolf Man - after first polishing off the CGI Hunchback of Notre Dame in the opening scenes. Van is now a roving Vatican agent working for Q Branch complete with the least funniest comedy monk side-kick ever (in fact the only comedy monk side-kick ever), 12 million special effects and a plot that adds up to about two lines of text. It also nicks the ending of Return Of The Jedi. A 120 million turkey of gigantic proportions.
- DirectorPaul AnnettStarsCalvin LockhartPeter CushingMarlene ClarkEight people are invited to an island estate for the weekend. One of them is a werewolf. Can you guess which one?Shaft meets Agatha Christie meets the Wolfman. Peter Cushing talks like Benny from Abba; and featuring the crapest security system of all time, actors who are cast because they look like werewolves in real life, the wolf played by a German Shepperd, a car chase at 20 miles an hour and a hilarious game of pass the silver candle. I love this movie!
- DirectorVernon SewellStarsBoris KarloffChristopher LeeMark EdenRobert Manning visits the remote country house where his brother Peter was last seen. While his host seems outwardly friendly and his niece more demonstrably so, Robert detects a feeling of menace in the air.Starring the bloke who tried to kill Rita Fairclough in Coronation Street, Christopher Lee (again!) Barbara Steele as She-Hulk and Boris Karloff as Professor X. Ol' Chris turns into a woman at the end. Says our hero - "You keep expecting Boris Karloff to pop up". And he promptly does!
- DirectorTerence FisherStarsChristopher LeePatrick AllenPeter CushingWhile mainland Britain shivers in deepest winter, the northern island of Fara bakes in the nineties.The guy from the Barrett Homes adverts runs this pub, see, while having had a bit on the side with a sex-pot and has to put up with his wife's moaning a lot, see. Meanwhile Peter Cushing props up the bar, Marty Hopkirk gets sweaty, Christopher Lee gets arrogant, and a bunch of carpets burn half the cast to death. Then it rains killing them all. There, I spoiled it for you!
- DirectorWallace FoxStarsBela LugosiLuana WaltersTristram CoffinA scientist, aided by an old hag and her two sons, kills virginal brides, steals their bodies, and extracts gland fluid to keep his ancient wife alive and young.Bela Lugosi as a mad scientist who kidnaps brides at the altar and steals some fluid from them to keep his wife alive. Lugosi and his Mrs sleep in coffins in this one, even though they're not vampires. He also gets chased around the operating table at the end a-la-Benny Hill by his old housekeeper. A sort of Ed Wood movie 10 years before Ed Wood!
- DirectorFreddie FrancisStarsChristopher LeePeter CushingNeil McCallumAboard a British train, mysterious fortune teller Dr. Schreck uses tarot cards to read the futures of five fellow passengers.The most amazing cast ever. Cushing and Lee to start with. Michael Gough (hurrah!). Donald Sutherland - YES, THAT DONALD SUTHERLAND -. Roy Castle! Alan "Fluff" Freeman! Kenny Lynch! M From the James Bond films! Captain Picard's brother from Star Trek!. Anthology of horror tales, featuring a werewolf (good story) an intelligent plant (well, if I were an intelligent plant I'd try to strangle Fluff, and Dave Lee Travis as well), a voodoo god, a crawling hand (the story is called "Crawling Hand" just in case we missed it) and a vampire.
- DirectorRoy Ward BakerStarsPeter CushingHerbert LomPatrick MageeEngland, 1795: the young Catherine has just married Charles Fengriffen and moves into his castle. She becomes the victim of an old curse that lays on the family. On her wedding night she is raped by a ghost and gets pregnant.With a title like that you know this gonna be good! Features the same crawling hand from Dr. Terrors House Of Horrors, the guy from Witch-Finder General playing exactly the same part and Peter Cushing with the silliest wig ever. No wonder Stephanie Beacham goes bonkers...
- DirectorRoy Ward BakerCheh ChangStarsPeter CushingDavid ChiangJulie EgeIn China, Professor Van Helsing helps eight kung fu-trained siblings reclaim their ancestral mountain village, now the domain of seven powerful vampires and their army of undead slaves.Chris Lee had obviously had enough by the time this film came around so some other bloke plays the most effeminate Count Dracula ever. The world really needed a Kung Fu vampire movie so Hammer came up with this atrocity. Julie Ege. What an actress! Martial Arts galore, vampires in rubber masks. Peter Cushing in a Pith Helmet. Did I mention Julie Ege's stunning performance?
- DirectorTerence FisherStarsPeter CushingEdward JuddCarole GrayAn isolated remote island community is threatened by an attack by tentacled silicates which liquefy and digest bone and tissue.The killer carpets are back! This time they're impervious to rain. So they use radioactivity instead, thereby saving the island and simultaneously making it unihabitable for the next 500 years or so, presumably....
- DirectorGordon HesslerStarsVincent PriceChristopher LeePeter CushingA serial killer who drains his victims' blood is on the loose in London. The police follow him to a house owned by an eccentric scientist.Everyday story about a bionic vampire Mick Jagger-type, A Nazi-ish dictator state, a mad alien doctor, a missing spy plane pilot, and a jogger who keeps waking up in hospital minus another limb. Believe it or not it all sort of makes sense by the end....